Pen and View

a new chapter...

2011-08-01T15:29:00.000-07:00

My dear blogging friends,

After two and a half years of blogging in this space, I am picking up and moving on to a new corner of the internet. (You can click here if you want to bypass my long Pen and View good bye letter.) Funny how happy/sad I am about this move. Actually, it's not surprising to me. I am what I call a "slow transitioner". I love to dream about the future, yet I am quite sentimental about change. I tend to turn the page to the next chapter with much thought, reflection, grieving.

When I started this blog it was for two reasons: to document our family life in photos and words, and to improve upon my camera skills. Frankly, I have never liked the name of this blog (I picked it in a rush to just get going with my blog idea) but it grew to settle on me in a comforting sort of way. This is where I penned my thoughts, documented the photographic life of my last few years. It is a journal I will keep forever.

But you see, over a year ago I purchased a new photo space (see, I dream about my future!) in an effort to move towards what I thought I should be, and then Life happened, like happened hard. I had made some plans but I had no emotional space to deal with pursuing anything but the day in front of me, leaving my dreams and plans to sit on the back burner of my heart. I think you can relate.

But as we all know, when Life happens, we cannot assume that we are wasting time/purpose/energy. Life is never wasted; there is always some purpose to the spinning, stalling, struggling of our present moments.

I read this line the other day in Abraham Verghese's book Cutting for Stone: Life: you live it forward, and understand it backwards. How very true this has been for me.

In the past year I have wrestled with myself quite a bit, much of it over what direction I wanted to take in regards to my photography, how I enjoy creating, and what I should "do" with all of it. I realize now that the last year was good in its hardness because it prevented me from making rash decisions about how I should proceed. It also made me reflect on why I thought I should be "doing" anything in the first place. (Why are we so plagued with futuristic living and doing? Is it to settle the anxiety over not being enough in the now?)

So why "do" now? While I believe I have settled a bit into knowing my creative self better, I have sensed in the past two months what I can only describe as a slow "uprooting" in my heart. This feeling of the final words being written on the previous chapter. The bubble (no, the boil) of desire to get a move-on to begin writing the words on the next one. I think this feeling has more to do with my entire life--my family, our direction--than just my own creative pursuits.

I do not want to be Pen and View anymore. I want to be Me. And I think it's now time to get Me settled onto the fresh new page of the chapter because I think more is on the Life horizon.

With that all said, my blogging friends, please join me over in my new space. It is not drastically different than this one here, as I am a simplistic girl at heart, so I hope you like it.

But before you go, I want to say thank you all for the love you have deposited here over the last few years. It has meant more to me than you know.

Off to begin writing the new words on the fresh blank page...

You can follow me at: tmorrisphotography.com

t

p.s. I decided to leave Pen and View up for the time being until I figure out how to archive it to a safe place. And, it's a good reminder for me of what growth looks like when I am feeling stuck in the present.

solitary perch

2011-07-18T00:01:00.000-07:00

Friends,

I am saying a short and tiny goodbye today. Gonna wade out to that sunny warm rock and perch myself upon it and take a summer breather from the blogging. I have some other "things" that need my attention: other photo stuff, family activities, and my own personal care. All good stuff, just listening to the whisper in my ear that is telling me to take a little blog vacation.

I will be back August 1st.

Until then,
t

p.s. One of my favorite things this summer has been to photograph Bean in her pink hat. I bought this pink hat for her several years ago and she has finally "owned" it. Makes me smile. :)

summer love: campfire love

2011-07-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

Learning to love my video feature on my camera. In my other life I am a cinematographer.

I love that you can hear the adults discussing a crossword problem in the background. Whenever we go camping we find ourselves around the campfire with a good crossword.

Bean is obsessed with smores. It is her reason for living when the campfire is lit. I cannot even eat my dinner in peace because of her impatience.

I also feel the need to clarify that the sassy girl she is channeling is not her norm. She only surfaces whenever the camera is in her face. Well, maybe she comes out more often. Lord help me. If you listen carefully you can hear my muffled guffaw.

Anyway...

Summer for us = one good camping trip complete with smores and crosswords. (Even if Queen Sass emerges around the campfire.)

a little affirmation

2011-07-13T22:51:00.000-07:00

Excavate the depths of my photo files and you will find that most of them are of children.

I love children.

I love to capture their littleness.

I love to capture them unaware, just inhabiting their space.

I love to capture their profiles.

I love to capture their goofy sides.

I love to capture my reflection in their eyes.

I love to capture the proof of their infinite beauty and uniqueness.

So is it any wonder that I am forever trying to throw my photographic arms around them?

This past week my Picture Inspiration assignment was to do a little excavation, to look back at my assignments and show you all what I have discovered about myself through my images.

This assignment was more of an affirmation than a discovery. (Is this really a surprise?)

So today I am showing you what continues to be an affirming, resounding, "yes" in my creative heart: given the choice between a flower, a landscape, a family, a wedding, a baby, or a child, my photographic heart will always draw nearest to the face of a child.

I am a magnet, drawn by the force of their innocence, and charm, uniqueness, and wonder in an unquenchable thirst to capture their worth.

(This is my "niece". She is a ham. A close second to my Bean who is her competitor. She was insistent on me photographing her "O" mouth. So I made sure to get that for her.)

still not yet...

2011-07-12T00:01:00.001-07:00

After yesterday's post I stumbled across these two photographs...photos that were taken by my mother when we went down to Santa Barbara for a little girls trip a couple of weeks ago.

I am so glad I shoved the camera into my mom's hands and told her, with much encouragement, that yes she could take a good picture. There was a brief moment that my belief in her wavered when I had to show her a couple of times where the shutter release button was located, and she fumbled to hold the heavy camera. But she did it. She actually did it.

And so as I reflect back upon the post like yesterday's, in which I reveal the slightly elevating panic I am feeling over the growth and loss of my little Bean, I see these pictures...

...and I cry.

...and I melt.

Now I know what it means when others say to their children, you will always be my little girl.

She will forever be my Bean. I know I will always see traces of her underneath her skin, in her eyes, and in the way she loves me.

I cannot thank my mother enough for taking these pictures.

not yet...

2011-07-11T00:01:00.000-07:00

Someday she will be too old to play at the park.
But that someday is not quite yet.
I know it's soon, because there is another person emerging from the skin of her little girlness.
This new girl is a bit more opinionated, more--shall we say--sassy, more self conscious.
I need a manual.
I need an orientation week like they have at school.
I need a laser gun that will freeze time.
I need to breathe in, breathe out.

I am not ready for this.
How do you let go of your little girl?

friday summer love: summer camp's smelly success

2011-07-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

We picked him up on Sunday after a week away from us at summer camp.
He and his buddy didn't shower, brush teeth, change underwear.
He had a blast.
You cannot imagine what it was like for me to open his duffle bag in the laundry room
and be greeted with the smell.
I actually chuckled.
Apparently he wasn't trying to impress any of the girls.

linked: hope

2011-07-07T06:00:00.000-07:00

Saturday evening I sat out in the setting sun and picked at a sea of never ending weeds. My hands were caked with dirt and the stain of green, so much so that I was surprised at how sore and tender they were the day after. In the middle of my dirty work, the neighbor's sprinklers spurted to life. Because I live in a wind tunnel, I watched the water catch wind and mist everything in my yard. Normally I do not mind this (free water) but this time it happened to water exactly where I needed to be weeding.

So I sat and waited.

When the sprinklers finished their cycle, I looked up to witness every flower, blade, and leaf dusted with a million, glittering, circles of light. Their delicate glimmering caused me to smile. I imagined this is what pixie dust must look like...

Pulling weeds has always been a teacher for me in the area of my own personal "weed pulling". For example, pulling weeds has taught me that if I fail to pull a personal weed up by its roots, it will always grow back in the soil of my heart. (Such a hard truth, especially in the areas of hurt, anger, and bitterness.)

So here is what impressed me on this day:

As I look back at the moment, I now see that that this is what Hope looks like when I find myself in the dirty work of pulling my life's weeds. There I am, entrenched in the soil, bent over, hot from the sun, caked with mud, wondering (and whining) if there will ever come a day when I do not have to pull weeds. (Please, don't you just wish you could pull a weed once and then never have to come back again?) In the middle of my labor and toil, suddenly Hope arrives in the form of a million points of Light. Awash with beauty, completely unexpected. It comes in the form of an answered prayer, a encouragement from a friend, a song on the radio, a miraculous provision. All simple reminders from God that I am loved, watched over, and never abandoned to the eternal dirty work of pulling weeds. This is Hope that sustains me.

I believe there is no place of dirt and darkness that Hope cannot invade. No weed-like burden that Hope cannot relieve. Yes, there is an amount of toil that we experience in this life, the pulling of weeds, or the dirtying of our hands in the messes that seem to show up like weeds. But Hope is the eternal flame that God places in our hearts to whisper to us that, though we may have earthly pain and struggles, unanswered questions, our lives are not without purpose and meaning.

We are loved.

Praying that whatever back-breaking, weed-pulling situation you find yourself in, you will, today, experience Hope in the middle of it. That you will look up and see a million points of Light dusting your situation with the promise that you are loved, watched over, and never abandoned to the eternal dirty work of pulling weeds. Praying that this will sustain you as only real Hope can.

******

Today is a link up day with two of my blogging friends, Michelle and Stacey. Michelle chose the theme for this week, which was "Hope". I have to say, this was hard. I took these pictures above without the intention of capturing "hope". It wasn't until I uploaded that they spoke to my work of "pulling weeds". I "hope" it makes sense to y'all. :)

I am eager to see how the gals interpreted this theme this week!

For Michelle's July 7th post, click here.

For Stacey's July 7th post, click here.

sparkler magic

2011-07-05T00:37:00.000-07:00

Every kid should hold a sparkler at least once in his life....

Yesterday on the 4th we were gone from morning 'till night hanging with good friends and eating our way through the day. The weather was beautiful, perfect for a water balloon fight and hanging out on the front lawn. We ended the day with some sparklers that I had purchased at an out-of-town firework stand.

Street works are completely illegal in our part of the state so it makes me sad that my kids have not been raised to experience the once-a-year agonizing wait for the fall of darkness on the 4th, when their father and uncle would drag out the boxes of fireworks to set off in the street. (I always felt that the sun set slower than usual on Independence Day. Anybody else feel that way?)

I am having to create a new kind of 4th memory, so yes, I broke the law, and splurged for some sparklers. I feel quite confident in posting these pictures even though my brother works for the state law enforcement. It's not that he wouldn't turn me in because I am his sister, it's because--ahem, cough cough--he knows what he was doing in his front yard at the same exact time we were lighting our sparklers. If you get my drift? Ok, that's all I am going to say about that.

So anyway, back to the sparklers...

Honestly, night photography is an art form at which I am not very skilled. But my Picture Inspiration assignment this week was to "dig in" and explore another art form, have some fun, get a little messy. I think I was a little broad with my interpretation of this assignment but I went with it. I have always wanted to try some night photography so I decided to make this my "dig in" moment. I discovered how fun it was to play with the settings to see what I could create. It was also fun to watch the kids "dig in" and explore what they could do with their sparklers. They wrote their names in the air, twirled and danced. Here's Bean writing her name on the street...

I learned a little bit in the process of having fun. I learned how to work with my shutter speed, and follow the light and work in darkness, which is tricky. It was a successful "dig in" moment for me.

And a super fun way to end Independence Day.

A happy belated 4th to you all. Hope it was a fun one.
t

friday summer love: visiting old friends

2011-07-01T00:01:00.000-07:00

This past week we visited old friends.
She walked amongst them, giving each a name, greeting them with a pat-pat.
I do believe this is becoming her favorite summer destination.
Mine too.

p.s. I can' believe how much she has grown in the last year.
Next year she'll be as tall as her friends!

stuff I want my kids to know: your life is a gift

2011-06-30T09:06:00.000-07:00

Kids,

Sometimes I watch your from afar and I am overwhelmed with love for you. I pray that you come to know just how much your life is a gift, stretched out before you with endless possibilities. Imagine yourself as an explorer, embarking on a journey. Only you can make the choices to abundantly live, or squander away, your life as you make your way through the mountains and valleys.

Whether it be in the public eye or in the quiet of your own private struggle, with God's help, you are capable of accomplishing any goal, or working through any obstacle. And you are strong enough to bear any cross. (For there will be crosses to bear.) With him, you possess more strength than you know.

So in good times, climb that rock and stand with the Light on your face and thankfully count your blessings, for there will be many. A thankful heart will always keep your heart in tune.

In difficult times, climb that rock and stand with the Light on your face, humbly take up your sword and shield and set your heart and mind to the truth that you are a warrior. A good warrior who is deeply loved by a sappy mama and a good God.

Mom
xoxo

(My Picture Inspiration theme this week was to capture "exploration". Couldn't help but capture this little explorer with his shield and sword, looking out over the valley below him.)

stuff I want my kids to know: don't settle for the monsters everyone else is making

2011-06-29T07:31:00.000-07:00

Kids,

I know it may not be the easiest path but...

Don't settle for the monsters everyone else is making.
Explore the reaches of your own creativity.
Push yourself to create rather than copy. Innovate rather than mimic.

"Gelatin Monsters" are waaaaaay cooler than the standard martians because you thought them up and chalked them into existence.

I can speak from experience as to how frustrating it can be when you take the longer path of exploration, when you bump up against the limits of your present self. But if your set your mind to the work you will be rewarded with the discovery that you are far more more capable and gifted than you first believed.

Do not settle for the false satisfaction that imitating will feed you.

Do not settle for the monsters everyone else is making.

xoxo
Mom

stuff I want my kids to know: you are already cool.

2011-06-28T07:29:00.000-07:00

Kids,

I know I am just your mother, much older than you, and soon to be totally unable to relate to your life, but I just wanted you to have a very important little nugget of truth that will help you get through these next few years.

Here it is:

While you struggle with trying to "fit in", wondering just how far you need to go to be "cool" in the eyes of those who define "cool" (whomever that may be), please know that cool is what you make it because you already are, and forever will be, cool.

I know this is a very parental thing to ask but, who makes the "cool rules" anyway?

In my forty-two years of living I have not found that person outside of myself and I am pretty sure you will not either.

You = cool. Period.

Mom
xoxo

stuff I want my kids to know: don't be afraid to wear your Big Birds

2011-06-27T08:25:00.000-07:00

Kids,

Son, if you really want to know how to attract the ladies then take a cue from your little pal above, and then listen to your mama.

What we're both tryin' to say is: do not be afraid to wear your Big Birds. *

I know this sounds funny, but your underoos really do have secret powers (sort of). Batman and Robin knew this, and most super heroes would also agree. You see, on their own, the Big Birds do not have the secret powers until you have the confidence to put them on. The magic happens when you decide to wear them regardless of what you believe the girl might think. It's all in how you carry yourself. And how you carry yourself is directly linked to how you value yourself. (Which I hope you know, of course, how valuable you are.)

Before you get too embarrassed, please know that I am not at all trying to sound suggestive. I am simply stating a fact, that there is nothing more attractive to a woman (well, at least this woman) than a man who carries a humble, quiet confidence in his approach to life (and his wardrobe). There is an indistinguishable, attractively good power that a man can possess when he is able to carry himself with a spirit of humility and a calm belief in himself. In other words, a man who does not need to prove himself by telling you he is wearing his expensive, flashy Big Birds.

And Bean, if you ever meet a man that needs to prove himself to you via outlandish displays of money, accomplishments, expensive clothes...who likes to fluff his feathers..who is unable to wear humility with honor...who scoffs at the man who wears Big Birds...then turn around and run for your life. He is not yet worthy of you.

Understood?

Okay, to sum it all up:

Son, if you have Big Birds and you love them, wear them with quiet confidence. You will possess an attractive confidence that will drip with magic.

Bean, if you meet a man that needs to show off his Big Birds, or laughs at the man who would dare to wear them--walk away. He needs more time to grow into a man.

Mom
xoxo

p.s. A real man also knows when to keep his pants on.

*Note I did not say, wear your Big Birds, I am just sayin' that you should not be afraid to wear your Big Birds. And when I say "attract the ladies" I am jesting. I know that embarrasses you, it's just that I cannot help but saying it when I look at these photos. :)

summer love: a blue sky and a pink hat

2011-06-24T00:15:00.000-07:00

Just a little bit of our day yesterday.
Yes, it was this beautiful.
It was a day to wear your pink hat just to celebrate all that blue.

Happy Summer Love Friday.
T

the first and last

2011-06-23T01:33:00.000-07:00

This is for my sweet J...

She asked, and then shot down every excuse I gave her.

I said I would think about it for awhile because I swore I would never say yes to a wedding.

So, after I awhile I said yes. I said yes because I love her, I wanted to support her in this new chapter, and she swore the wedding would be small.

The day was perfect, the light beautiful, the bride relaxed, the gathering indeed small, the kids adorable (more of them later), and my nerves...well...they did pretty well. Except that I could not sleep that night because I kept taking pictures in my head, hearing the click of the shutter.

I know it's always good to say never say never, so I will allow myself room to change my mind, but this was my first and last wedding. I loved capturing the story of the day and the in between moments, but I have no need to step into this realm of photography. I have many friends who do this for a living and I would humbly and happily be a second shooter, to be the invisible spectator to the blessed event.

So J...these photographs are for you girl. They are just a few of the first I have edited. Just 999 more to go!

Love you.

t

moody

2011-06-21T23:43:00.000-07:00

My Picture Inspiration assignment was to capture "moody".

We could take it in any "mood" direction we wanted, but we were to pay attention to light and composition in a way that would evoke a mooooood.

Hmmm...I might have added an extra dimension by literally capturing "mood". I didn't set out to do this, it just kinda of evolved.

Extra credit?

(And yes, I did make up that word "attitude-y".)

a berry good time

2011-06-20T22:21:00.000-07:00

At the berry picking farm you first must weigh your empty berry basket, after which the farm worker takes a piece of masking tape and marks the bottom of the basket so that when you return with your load the worker can subtract that amount from the total berry weigh-in.

I joked with Bean that we needed to weigh her before we began picking, mark her bottom with a little piece of masking tape, and then sit her on the scale when we returned to weigh her berries. It was an act of great will for her to not munch her way through the berry patch.

We found a life-sized strawberry ripe for pickin'....

Adding to the stash...

"One for my basket, and one for me."

Gotta wear the appropriate shoes...

This is the apple orchard you can pick apples in during the fall.

The light in there was so beautiful I was crying for a chance take my camera in there.

Waiting to be weighed...carried to the car. Officially hers to eat as she pleases.

This is the fourth year we have kicked off our summer with berry picking and every year my son
is Mr. Intense about it. He is the master berry picker and makes sure we have enough for cobblers and pies. Can I tell you that in just the last four days I have eaten so many berries that Bean and I have a rash? Happens every summer and then our bodies adjust.

Here is the berry pickin' gang. Note the child second from the right. She's mine.

I love summer simply for the fruit it brings. Don't you agree?

summer love berry bus

2011-06-17T08:17:00.000-07:00

Just a little snapshot of one of our annual summer kick-off traditions: pik-yor-sef, and et-yor-sef berry pickin'.

This is week two of my summer love series. Fridays, a few photos of our summer fun, few words.

Stay tuned for more summer love berry bus photos on Monday. (Oh yes, there's more evidence of eating before paying.)

Have a happy weekend!
t

linked: sun (and popsicles)

2011-06-16T06:09:00.000-07:00

Happiness is: holding your very own orange popsicle.

Wait. Better yet, happiness is: the summer sun, kissing your very own popsicle.

Happiness is also: having a friend who will hold your purple popsicle

while you retrieve a bowl of pretzels.

Happiness is: summer + sun + friendship + popsicles.

This week I had the honor of choosing the linked up theme with my linky friends Michelle and Stacey. I made a quick decision to honor the start of summer with the theme of "sun" and then I proceeded to spend a week and a half of not capturing it. What was I thinking? What I was not thinking was that "sun" is kind of an ambiguous theme and so I every time I set out to capture it I came home with a "sun fail". Then Michelle announced that her pictures were ready and blog post was written (teacher's pet) and I was beginning to wonder how I was going to pull off this assignment. There was a moment when I considered emailing the gals to tell them that I had failed to complete the task that I had assigned. (What a geek.)

So with some major resolve, I brought my camera with me to Bean's art class/swim time and attempted my sun thing one. more. time.

And then...........some magic happened: the popsicles came out.

And the sun arrived to kiss them all and christen them as the true beginning of summer.

And I snapped away.

And I exhaled in relief.

And now I can say that happiness is: completing my linked up "sun" assignment with seconds to spare.

Now go and visit Michelle's June 16th blog post for her sun goodness. (click here)
And Stacey's June 16th blog post too. (click here)

I am eager to see how they interpreted the "sun" theme!

seeing double

2011-06-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

What is like to wake up every morning to your own face smiling back at you?

To never be alone, be without a friend?

To share a birthday?

To have people (or...ahem...someone like me) confuse your names?

To out-number your big brother when you gang up on him?

To struggle for your own identity...or take comfort in the similarities?

To share a closet full of clothes...or want your own closet full of clothes?

To share the same messy room...or clean room?

To share experiences with someone who will be a back up in case your memory fails?

To know each other better than any one else could?

Tell me girls, because I have always wondered what it would be like to be a double of someone else. Two humans formed from the same mold; replicas with intricate and subtle differences. I wonder if you take comfort in your doubleness or if you seek ways to individuate. I guess it might be different for every set of doubles and yet, I will never know. I share no mirror image with another. I am me, and I am all I have.

So tell me, what is it like to be a twin?

******

My Picture Inspiration assignment this week was to photograph "a coupling". Two subjects, together, identical or not, but somehow fitting of each other. I chose to capture an identical coupling in human form. How could I pass up this opportunity? If you had a photo assignment such as this and there were twins standing in front of you, wouldn't you be begging/bribing them for a photo too?

I see you sitting there in front of your computer screen, nodding your head "yes".

Thank you.

spontaneous

2011-06-13T00:51:00.000-07:00

So this is what happens when I invite you over to my house for pizza on a Sunday evening and I have not seen you in a while because I have spent the last month working 40 hours a week and you have been cooped up inside your house with your brand new baby and a four year old...

Yes, when I invite you over for pizza on a Sunday evening and I have not seen you in a long while and you have just had a baby, I drag you outside in the beautiful light for ten minutes and take oodles of pictures. You may scold me for including me in so many of the pictures because you did not realize it was going to be a "mommy and me" shoot but I don't care. I wish I looked half as beautiful as you "as is" right after having my second child. Sheesh, look at you girl. You are one beautiful mama. (Even if you are sleep deprived and going bonkers with your four year old.)

Taking these photos filled my soul.
I think I need to invite people over for pizza more often.

friday: summer love

2011-06-10T14:57:00.000-07:00

I am leaving the umbrella Friday posts behind and stepping onto the Summer Love Bus on Fridays. Few words, just snapshots of our summer captured in digital goodness.

Yesterday was our first official summer vacation beach day. The weather was perfect. One summer love bug was ready to fly...

Happy summer!
Happy Friday!
t

roller blading (and a little addiction of sorts)

2011-06-09T00:56:00.000-07:00

Do you remember summer evenings when you were little? I do. In my little world and era, we used to bolt outside after dinner and spend the extra hours of daylight riding our bikes, building forts, and roller skating. When the sun went down we would tumble through the door in a sweaty mess and gulp down a sweet dessert because we had burned through our dinners and our blood sugar levels were super duper low. Good times.

So yesterday evening when I stepped outside after dinner with my camera, to get to the business of completing my Picture Inspiration assignment, Bean followed me out and donned her roller blades. The weather was beautiful, the sun was out (finally!), and she and her brother enjoyed those extra daylight hours.

Clinging to Daddy for support...

As she rolled towards me she gave me her photographic poses...

My Picture Inspiration assignment this week was to capture "double vision" in the form of a diptych. A diptych is a photograph that is comprised of two different or identical images, that are placed side by side to form one image. The "one image" then makes its own statement.

When I first saw the assignment I had to smile. My instructor had no idea how much of a diptych girl I am. I am a bit obsessive with them as they can be addictive. There is something about them that can convey detail and story in a way that one image cannot. I love to pair photos, and if you have been around here for any length of time, you will know that this is true. :)

I love to put similar photos from the same moment side by side to convey a little story. Below, Bean is in her Paris Hilton camera moment. (I seriously thought she would out-grow this phase.) I loved putting these two images together to embrace this one moment, this one part of the story of our evening.

Here she is trying to use Daddy's car for support...

My obsession is not limited to diptychs. I often play with similar images until my eye is pleased with a grouping. I guess this would be called a triptych? (Must google.)

The PI assignment however, was about using two images to capture something at different angles. I knew right away that I wanted to capture Bean's roller blades so I purposefully attempted several perspectives. In the end I paired these two images because I loved the detailed close up, eye-level image of the roller blades contrasted with the wider angle shot from above. This way we could actually see Bean in the roller blades, and in the motion of using them. This is one of my favorite ways to use a diptych: a detailed shot alongside a wider angle, contextual shot.

So there you go, my addiction has been outed. Though I figured it would not really be a surprise to any of you. But, admitting it is the first step right?

Now go try a few yourself, and then you can blame me later should you discover your own obsession with them. Here's to more beautiful summer evenings, and diptychs!

my current favorite sweetness

2011-06-07T00:02:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite little smiley faces. Every time I see her and her mama on our school campus I have to stop and coo over her. This time I happened to have my camera!

She is seriously cuter than this in person. If that is possible. And all of her three older sisters are equally as adorable. They all look like their mom. :)

And since I am posting photos of her baby on my blog I thought I'd give a little shout out to mama and her crafty goodness. Her facebook status updates are always full of her crafty, baking goodies that put to shame any domesticity I possess. She is also a photographer and does a bit of graphic designing for our school. All this with four girls and a house that she keeps clean. Whatever...

Ok, so go give her some love on mama's Rockin' Cali Girls blog. She also has an Etsy site. She embellishes little baby clothes and socks with her rockin' sewing skills. Click here to go visit her and then come back and convince me that I do not need to have another baby just so I can have that little Mickey-eared onsie. Though another baby might keep me from stealing hers...

She's my current favorite sweetness. :)

p.s. If you need some more kid cuteness, please click here. I promise it will make your day. (And inspire you to greatness.)

iheartfaces: in the distance

2011-06-06T09:30:00.000-07:00

I had to repost this for the iheartfaces entry this week: in the distance. It is one of my favorite shots from the last month and it reminds me of what it is like when the sun is actually shining. (Written sarcastically as I sit at my computer staring out at the gloomy skies on this, our first official summer Monday morning.)

Whatever. I'm ok. The sun can hide all it wants, I've got my sunny beach pictures.

Head over to iheartfaces to see what other "in the distance" photos are on display. Maybe there is more sun over there too?

click here

it's an "i'm gonna need an umbrella" friday

2011-06-03T07:10:00.000-07:00

I was not kidding yesterday when I told you that all of my photos from this week were taken on the same day. On this particular moment Bean had come outside (while I was taking this photo) with two of her umbrellas and began to sing and dance.

Maybe you were like me as a child? I was one of those little girls that sang and danced in front of the mirror with my block for a microphone and tennis racket for a guitar. I made up dance steps to my favorite songs, and pretended I was in the Disneyland Main Street parade. This was all pre-MTV and music videos, Lady Gaga and Beyonce, etc. Actually, it was much more innocent and wholesome and dancing in the rain'ish. (As it should be!)

So it was with a tender heart and smile that I watched my Bean skip and twirl around the back patio with her dancing umbrellas, making up her own songs. (If you missed a previous umbrella post with Bean's umbrella dance slide show then click here for the full experience.)

I must say, this Friday umbrella post is so appropriate for today, this last day of school and first hours of ~~summer~~ winter vacation. It is threatening rain and all of our weekend plans have been rearranged and pushed back until Summer actually decides to show up. I whined about this in yesterday's post so I will stop now before I pick it back up again.

One last sorta random thing I just had to share with you...

I was sitting with a hundred 3rd graders yesterday signing their yearbooks, each of them so cute and excited to get my autograph, when I saw Bean waiting in line to have me sign hers.

I looked at her and said...
Bean, you want me to sign your yearbook too? I'm your mama. :)

She replied...
Yes, I want you to sign my yearbook too because that way I don't have to worry about forgetting who you are.

And I thought...
Hmm. Aren't I the lady that kisses your sweet face every morning and before bed and all of the million moments in between?

And then I saw her eagerness for me to pen my autograph and my heart melted and I signed it...

Dear Bean, I love you soooooo much! Love Mama xoxoxoxoxo

Yep. She's my Bean who loves to dance with her umbrellas and make up songs and put on shows. Love that girl.

Have a happy weekend! I will be attempting to sing in the rain.
T

linked: in the backyard

2011-06-02T06:28:00.000-07:00

There is a girl in the backyard...

...who is waiting for Summer to arrive.

She waits with her new summer shorts on...

...ready to feel the warmth of Summer's rays on her winter skin.

She longs for the days of no shoes...

...to know the freedom of her bare feet, in the backyard.

There is also a girl in the backyard who is t-i-r-e-d from the school year...

...ready for sleep-in days and no homework, no daily schedule to wear out her little self.

Yes, there is a girl in the backyard who is patiently waiting for Summer to arrive.

Oh how I hate to break it to her, but her first full weekend of summer vacation looms before her with dark clouds, rain showers and cold temperatures. She thinks she lives in sunny California but I may have to tell her otherwise because this is the most depressing start to summer vacation we have had in a long time. (Yes, I am full-on whining.) Geez, we were all just looking forward to wearing our shorts, and bare feet, feeling the kiss of the summer sun on our skin. I guess we will just have to look back upon these pictures from this past week to get our fill of sun because these are the ones I took on one of our only sunny moments we experienced in the past few days. The weather has indeed been maddening this past week. (Rainy day recess on the last week of school?? Why yes.)

My blog link up partners, Stacey and Michelle, suggested a theme of "in the backyard" for our link up post this week. I am so glad I took advantage of the sun we had and captured Bean out roaming. The pictures from my posts this past week are all from this same day. (I would like to point out that I was not lazy this week with my picture taking, I was simply needing to be efficient with my time as I finish this last long week of full time work. And I was doing a dance with the weather.)

So go check out Michelle and Stacey's take on the theme and leave them some comment love.
For Michelle's June 2 post, click here.
For Stacey's June 2 post, click here.

And if you are in a sunny part of the world this weekend, think of me wearing my winter clothes, curled up on the couch in front of a fire. I know that sounds pretty nice right now, but it's JUNE...in California...and we Cali people can be such wimps when it comes to "extreme" weather. :)

i heart nature

2011-05-31T23:12:00.000-07:00

Nature. See how she wears her heart on her sleeve?

Just for me.

Though I could not keep her to myself. Had to share with you.

Be blessed.

looking up

2011-05-30T20:33:00.000-07:00

They spend the first part of their life constantly gazing up at the adult world above them. Dwelling in a land of giants is all they know until they outgrow us. Their bodies double in size by the time they are two. From then on they are on the long stretch of growth to double their body size again, which reaches the finish line at adulthood.

Until then, they are continually looking up to us in more ways than we care to admit. Physically, they are looking up to us as they toddle and reach for the hand we extend to them. Emotionally they are looking up to us as well. Yet we are often talking down to them, condescending in our words, because we have this need to remind them that we know better. Oh how easy is to look down from our proud height, take advantage of their small size and abuse their vantage point.

I think the greatest thing we can do for our children (or any child) is to work hard at being worthy of their gaze upward. Which means that we offer a hand of respect and a reassurance of their own worthiness in return. In other words, our "looking down" upon them should only be in the form of a tender smile, a loving pat on the head, a heart-felt praise.

Because it's true, sometimes we do know better. For a while. And we should act and behave as the more mature one should: with the wisdom, respect and love of someone who has earned her right to be looked up to.

One thing I know about children is that they give of their love freely, unconditionally. They are riding on our feet, clutching our legs, chatting at us, wishing to be a part of us, wishing to be just like us. Their love knows no judgement, until they learn the ways of looking down from us.

So in that respect, I think sometimes we have much to learn from them when we gaze down and see their open smiles, their affection, their devotion.

They do not even know how much they can teach us. We realize this when we learn to stoop down from our high vantage point, look at their example, look up to them.

*******

My Picture Inspiration assignment this week was to capture a photo from above, from a birds-eye view. If you know me, you know I love me a good birds-eye view. This one was easy as Bean straddled my shoes and hugged my legs and offered up her sweet sweet smiles.

one image: irritation

2011-05-27T06:37:00.000-07:00

lens: 24-70 2.8
shutter speed: 1/320
fstop: 5.6
ISO: 800

A couple of days ago I wrote about my photographic composing "eye" and admitted to being a bit geeky about it all. In case you did not catch it, I am a visual person. You should watch a movie with me. :) My eyes are always capturing the tiniest details, noticing the things in the background, picking up on facial expressions, distracted by the light and cinematography. I never remember the character's names in a movie. Never. Because it's an auditory thing and I simply do not find it meaningful enough to remember.

So on this random umbrella friday day I am going to take my geekness up a notch, just a bit. Not a lot, I am hoping.

This part of my geeky composing eye comes into play after I have taken the picture, when I am sitting at the computer staring at a photo that I cannot seem to decide if I like or not.

I have this OCD'ish thing sometimes with a photo, like the one above, where the photo will totally work for me except for one small irritating piece over which my eye cannot seem to stop obsessing.

For example, in the photo above: that stupid, white, upside-down, hand-written, sticker on the umbrella, the sticker that is not even completely stuck to the handle. (Which totally drives me crazy too.)

I want to rip it off and throw it in to the street.

You may have not even noticed the sticker, but my eye goes straight to it every time I look at this photo. Then it goes directly to those creepy monkey claw back scratchers, and then that's it, that's all I can handle. (Why do they make those back scratchers look like monkey claws?! Those are monkey claws right? Why did I take this photo?)

I do not care if the sticker adds an interesting detail to the photo.

Rip. It. Off.

Raise your hand if you agree with me.

Or maybe you should just raise your hand with me in agreement that your week has been one long week and you just need your space and that is why you are overly irritated at the stupid, white, upside-down, hand-written, sticker on the umbrella handle.

Then you can also raise your hand in agreement that even though this photo should be tossed, that one wooden back scratcher with the red claw looks really nice right now, and that you would not mind being the test subject for one of those at this very moment.

If you are raising your hand with me then many blessings for rest over your weekend and mine. We need it!

Now, if you need a soothing photo after looking at this one, click here to see one of my photog friend's umbrella photos. She told me last week that she had some to post but didn't get them up in time.
Heather, your delay was actually perfect timing. Your photo was needed on this very Friday to rescue me from mine. :)

Happy Friday!

one image: perspective

2011-05-26T06:27:00.000-07:00

lens: 50mm 1.2

shutter speed: 1/125

fstop: 3.5

ISO: 200

Most of us are casual photographers, aiming at the life in front of us from the vantage point of where we are standing. We shoot at eye level, capturing the events and milestones unfolding around us from this level because it is quick and easy and most comfortably how we witness them...literally...at eye level. Any trip to a touristy spot will reveal a million people standing around, holding their cameras up to their faces, aiming at life.

There is nothing wrong with this. This is how we gather memories. I do this to catch those quick moments at family gatherings, school events: lift, aim, shoot.

Lift, aim, shoot.

The problem is that we get stuck in that perspective rut because it is comfortable and easy. We do not know how to see life from any other vantage point because we have never taken the effort to see it any other way. (I'm tellin' ya, photography can be a great life teacher.)

My Picture Inspiration assignment this week was to capture a picture from "the ground up." Our teacher pushed us in this area for this very reason: to get out of our comfortable rut, to see life from a different perspective.

So yesterday I risked staining my white cardigan sweater, stretched out on the grass underneath the play structure and caught this little lady peering over the edge from my "ground up" perspective.

I have always liked shooting from the ground up, but I have to tell you, I had to be mindful about this one. I was tired, ready to be home, and wished I could just lift, aim, and shoot.

I am so glad I chose to be mindful, become one with the ground.

I would not have caught the leading lines of the ladder taking my eye up to her's.

I would not have been able to include the beautiful woodwork, compose the lines of the railing and the ceiling and the ladder into a way that settled my eye.

I would not have been able to place her above me with her hair falling around her face, her one blue eye becoming the target of my focus.

I would not have captured what has now become one of my favorite photos I have taken lately.

Yea for my PI assignment!

See what changing your perspective does for your soul when you realize all that you would have missed if you had not crawled out of your comfortable place of lift, aim, shoot?

one image: letting a photo find you

2011-05-25T07:16:00.000-07:00

Lens 24-70 2.8
shutter speed 1/50, f2.8
ISO 400

Sometimes the best photos are caught when you stumble upon them.
Some are best caught when you anticipate them
This one was caught doing both.

I stumbled upon this precious scene--he inside the massive toy box contentedly playing alone. I crouched a few feet away and anticipated him looking up to discover me. I could see the photo in my mind and I smiled when it came to be, ripe with perfect timing.

I have found that my best photos are those that have found me. They are also the ones that I patiently wait for to reveal themselves.

Of course there are many artfully composed photos out there that I admire, but it is the one that is made from real life that I adore the most.

If you are like me, and you like these kinds of photographs, you will find that the best thing we can do to improve our "eye" is to venture out each day and do some stumbling and anticipating. I never cease to be amazed at the photos that find me, almost as if they were waiting just for me.

Photo geeks....I actually took this photo a year and a half ago. I honestly do not know what I was doing with the settings at the time. I believe this was taken on my old camera and so that slow shutter speed was the result of not wanting to bump up my ISO because of the grain I would get in the photo if I did. I am impressed that I got the photo as sharp as I did. Not sure if I knew the rule of thumb: to avoid hand-held camera shake, keep your shutter at a number that is equivalent to the focal length of your lens. So if you are shooting with a 24-70mm lens, then going below 1/70th of a second in your shutter speed is dipping into blurry waters. Oh well, thankful for the shot!

one image: my "eye"

2011-05-24T07:16:00.000-07:00

Photo stats:
24-70 2.8 lens
ISO 100
shutter speed 1/1600
fstop 4.5

Ok, so I am going to reveal some of my inner geek by sharing with y'all about how I "see" a photo when I take it. These are not secrets, but more of a behind the scenes look at what goes on in my mind's eye in that split second when I am composing a photo.

Prepare for a long'ish post. I have a plethora of words to describe what happens in seconds of thought...

So, most of the time I am behind my lens I am thirsty for capturing photos that evoke movement and story. I love love love it when the viewer can continue to imagine and complete the movement and story of the moment as they stare at a photo. For me, these kinds of photos carry more emotional weight than those that are artfully posed because they carry a feeling of real life that contrived ones cannot. I gravitate towards these kinds of photos and so I search for movement and story in my own work.

I love to capture photos that have depth from front to back, rather than a simple left to right dimension. I like a beginning, middle, and end...almost like you can visually travel through it. Knowing how light works helps to achieve this because light adds dimension. I actually do not like a bland over cast day because photos seem flat and one dimensional to me. When a photo has all of that good stuff going on then then I smile.

I also search for photos that have a simplicity to them such as a single element, focal point, or color scheme. I am a simple person and visual clutter has always created anxiety in me. I seek peace in my photos. Sometimes if there is too much going on I put it all in black and white to unify it all. And then sometimes, I am okay with the clutter if it is part of the story. But most often, I am seeking order.

When I am composing, I instinctively deconstruct a scene into basic visual shapes. Actually this is not something I really put much thought into when I am behind the lens, it just is part of how I see the world, so therefore I am doing it when I am composing. As a result, I am drawn to filling my frame with large shapes and the shapes have to have balance within the frame. They do not need to be symmetrical, they just need to be balanced.

So, am I a geek or what?

Yes, I am. And when all of the above comes together, then I am full of geeky glee.

You might guess then that the technical part of photography has, and continues to be, a chore to me because it is not an instinctual process for me. (This is why I probably suck at math. People who say math is instinctual are from another planet.) I have learned to tackle and practice the technical aspects of photography because they are like driving a stick shift: you gotta know the dance between the clutch pedal, gas pedal, and gear stick if you want to make your car hum at optimal performance. When I finally learned to drive my roommate's stick shift back in college, I found that it became like second nature. It has been the same with learning the technical portion of photography: I am still learning but it is slowly becoming instinctual.

I share this not as a lesson in how to take better photographs. I share this as an insight into what excites me when I take photographs, when I create. Everyone is wired differently and it really is a waste of creative energy to try and be something that you are not.

The more you practice your art, the more your creative eye and process will reveal itself to you. And the more you embrace that process, the more improvement you will see in your own work. You will be happier too.

In case you are visual, like me, here is the geek breakdown of the photo above.
(movement, story, simplicity, depth, shapes, and balance)

Hope this encourages you to find your inner creative geek and embrace him or her. It's the only way you will truly discover that you are unique.

A unique geek. :) See, they rhyme. Must be something good.

one image: perfect enough

2011-05-23T06:36:00.000-07:00

They were waiting for me to set up my camera on my makeshift tripod that consisted of one bunched up, sandy sweatshirt. I was planning on joining them via the self timer function but the light was almost gone and so I was trying to fiddle with the exposure because of all that back light.

I snapped this one as a tester and it wound up being my favorite...

Camera facts:
Canon 5D Mark II
24-70 2.8 lens
ISO 800
Shutter speed 640
Aperture 2.8

What I love about it: the fact that my eye goes straight to Bean's and then travels down the line to the Kid. It is a sliver of a family moment caught on a California beach on a warm spring evening as the sun is dipping below the horizon.

What I wish I would have done better: adjust my position to get the narrow plane of focus to include Bean's face. As it is, she and the others, are just a smidge behind it.

I still love it. I am going to frame it.

My friend sent me a link to an article about a photograph that had just been auctioned off at Christie's for over three million dollars. It was the highest price every paid for a photograph in an auction.
Here's the link to an article about it. Come back and tell me what you think. It's nothing I would ever take, put in frame, or hang on my wall. :) But someone liked it enough to fork out millions for it.

Here is what I know for sure:
Some things require perfection, like brain surgery, rocket launches, and the building of an atomic bomb. Anything less than perfection would be disaster.
But, if you love a photograph that you have taken, it is perfect enough. Even if your photos are not published, bought, or auctioned off.

Zach Arias, a well known photographer, once said, that you may be one of the top ten photographers in the world and no one even knows it. In other words, the perfection standard by which someone becomes a "top ten" photographer is left up to the subjective eye of those who create those "top ten" lists. Throw in a good amount of exposure, marketing, and luck and that will up your chances at making it to the top as well...and then one day maybe being fought over in an auction.

I say, passionately create like you already are one of those undiscovered top ten, and you will be perfect enough.

random umbrellaness

2011-05-20T07:15:00.000-07:00

It's Friday. Umbrella Friday, with a little randomness thrown in. Hence, the pic with an umbrella in it and then some randomness following....

This past week I have been playing full-time teacher in Bean's class because her real teacher is about to have a baby. It's been a fun week. Really. But since I have not worked full time like this in ten years, I'm now jello-brained. Kids are fun, but a bit random.

So let me recount some of the random things overheard in Room 12 this past week. (Names have been changed to protect the innocent.)

Mrs. Morris, someone put one of the Cinco de Mayo paper flowers in the boys' toilet--the part where you go pee.

Lucy, I think you've been at the Kleenex counter long enough digging in your nose. Stop stalling and get back to your math test.

Mark, please stop stealing the pencil erasers and putting them in your pocket, they don't belong to you.

Mrs. Morris, Matthew just farted on the carpet and it now stinks in the back row.

Lucas, please take your t-shirt off of your head at carpet time. I need to see your face.

Mrs. Morris, why do we need to know how to spell if we have dictionaries in our cubbies?

Louis, why do you have a sopping wet paper towel on your face?

Mrs. Morris, I'm allergic to running. (--said during a quick PE lap around the field)

Mrs. Morris, can I write my poem on the time my bathroom flooded?

Zeek, if I ever see you walking yourself out after school again, rather than lining up with Mrs. Hawley's line (which has been your after school line since the first day of school), then I will personally hold your hand and escort you to your ride every day after school till the end of the year. Would you like your friends to see you holding Mrs. Morris' hand after school, taking you to the pick-up area?

Mrs. Morris, I didn't mean to slap him in the face, my hand just flew up and his face was right there!

Mrs. Morris, Shredderman is our favorite book series. The bully, Bubba Bixby, has a HUGE FOREHEAD!

Lisa, you are only in 3rd grade and you're already passing notes?! Give it to me...

Mrs. Morris, I'm trying to spell "anxious" but I'm getting worried that I can't find it in the dictionary to find out how to spell it.

And my favorite...

Mrs. Morris, you look beautiful today. (Totally not random. I hope.)

I have two more weeks of this folks. Randomness and umbrellaness.

Have a fabulous weekend. I'm off to rest my brain.
xoxo
t

(And, as always, if you have an umbrella pic/post to share, let me know! I will post edit a link.)

linked: hair

2011-05-19T06:00:00.000-07:00

So my blog linking partner, Michelle, made the decision this week to link up with a post that would feature hair. Hair.
The funny thing about this, and she doesn't know it, is that just days before she threw out that theme I had just taken a bunch of photos of Bean doing her own version of a Vidal Sassoon commercial. I was actually attempting to practice nailing a focus point when my aperture is wide open (which is hard at an fstop of 1.2) and so I asked her to give me a little motion. She gave me her Vidal hair flips and swishes.

The following photos are what I captured, wide open at 1.2, in full motion, in focus...and not.
I love all of them.

I realize that I may have dated myself by referencing a Vidal Sassoon commercial. I am a child of the 80's people. I was raised on Vidal Sasson commercials. A trip to YouTube will showcase several of the many commercials I grew up watching. Click here, for one of my favorites. Wait for the last few seconds of the clip and watch the sassy flip. We used to practice that in the mirror. I think my Bean has perfected it. What do you think?

I think yes. It also helps that she has enough hair to go around for three other people. She inherited my thick head of hair. The head of hair that I loathed throughout my entire adolescence. The head of hair that the stylist could not even get a comb through on my very first visit. The head of hair that I washed every day and tried to style and would wind up in a frizzy mess. I cried most mornings during my high school years. (High school years were not my best hair years--add to it was the fact that it was the 80's and hair was just not attractive on anyone.) Let's just say that Vidal needed to make a personal visit, one that would have relieved me from most of my adolescent trauma.

But, I am so prepared for Bean's youth and hair issues. I have lived through it all (even a perm!) and I can now say that our hair is best left unwashed for a span of two to three days. We do not need a volume or body boosting shampoo. We do best to wash it at night, or air dry it. And a good flat iron is our best friend, or a good frizz control oil to make soft waves.

Do they even still sell Vidal Sassoon?

I could go on and on about hair care for thick hair-headed people (not thick-headed people, but thick hair-headed people), but now it is time for you to go and visit Michelle and Stacey, my fun blog linkup partners, and see what hair biz they've styled up.

For Michelle's May 19th hair post, click here.
For Stacey's May 19th hair post, click here.

And if you have any good hair tips, product recommendations, please...don't be shy...inform me. I still need a little help.

trampoline crazies

2011-05-17T22:11:00.000-07:00

Behold, photo representations that pretty much sum up my day today:

Crazy. Bouncy. And oh so fun.

Up at 6am, back home at 9:30pm.

So why am I up blogging?!

Because getting in bed means that in a few short hours I will be back up and running again.

And for this introvert, that just makes me want to cry.

Hoping that I look as stellar as these friends do when I am bouncing around these next few weeks. Except that I might leave out that crotch shot my son is doing in the right frame. ??? What gives?!

He was doing it in almost every bounce shot. (I have spared you the 101 other shots I have of this day.) Remind me to have words with him.

And how did Bean keep her hat on her head? Reminds me of all of the Indiana Jones movies in which Indy never loose his hat...in every battle, skirmish, roll, jump, race. Remember that scene in the latest movie where he goes over the waterfall in the jeep and survives...with his hat on? Totally unrealistic.

Ok, enough. Now I'm just rambling because I am loopy.

Off to bed!

mystery

2011-05-16T20:31:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I ventured outside to tackle my Picture Inspiration assignment, which was to capture "mystery". I had little time, little energy, and little excitement but I set out anyway. So picture me wandering the park in my post work pj's, with my camera in hand, praying hard for something to catch my eye. After fifteen minutes of finding nothing I looked up into the new spring growth on the trees and found my mystery! (Cue mysterious music.) I spotted this mysterious issue, that you see in the above photo, plaguing a handful of trees. At first I did not notice it because the trees were swaying in a lushness of green, but hidden among the perfect leaves were a handful of these rotted, polka-dotted ones.

I am always curious about such things as I am the type of person who likes to get to the core of a problem. So as I inspected the oddly spotted leaves I knew that they were: one, expressing the symptoms of some mysterious illness that worked somewhere deep in their unseen internal life forces. Or two, the victim of an unseen mysterious pest. And because I am not an arborist, the reason for their spotted appearance was indeed, a real mystery to me.

Okay, so I am a bit geeky about nature and how it mimics life so I immediately thought about how we often do not recognize our own disease (emotional, mental, physical) until it manifests itself in the spotted leaves and fruit of our lives. Then I thought about how too often we try to deal with our external symptoms in a vain attempt to heal (or cover up) the real problem.

Sometimes we can be so dense. I can be so dense.
Honestly, I think some of us are walking this planet in stupid awe (or maybe denial) over the spotted leaves we find sprouting from our limbs. For some, it ain't no mystery to those who linger under our shade. They are not fooled by the lush sway of green surrounding the ugly leaves and can spot our problems before we can. And then there are those of us who spend all of our energy trying to control the symptoms in ourselves and others without ever getting to the root of the problem. A total waste of energy, by the way.

I have always been a firm believer in the root bares the fruit. The external display of our leaves is merely an outworking of what lies in the soil and roots of our lives. You can do your best to orchestrate a magical display of smoke and mirrors, deflection techniques, etc. But eventually whatever it is will continue to eat away at your health like a small unseen, mysterious pest...

...Until you are vulnerable enough to go see an arborist who can sort out the mystery and look you in the face and suggest a course of action that will get you healed from the inside out.

I know from experience, that there are some things in life that are meant to be left a mystery. The source of your well-being, or ill-being is not one of them.

And that my friends, is my pep talk for today. All this from a little walk across the street with my camera, a curious eye, and a pluck of a few leaves.

Now off to google "yellow spotted tree leaves". This is one mystery I'd like to solve.

umbrella friday/saturday: coming and going and "the staying"

2011-05-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

This is Friday's umbrella post, posted today. Blaming Blogger and their "issues" they were having over Thursday and Friday. All is well now, so on with life and blogging we go...

I took these photos when I was in China Town a couple of months ago. This local woman was hidden behind the protection of her umbrella, braving the weather, intent on her destination and unaware that I was following her.

I have titled this set, "Coming and Going".

Sometimes I feel as if I am always in one state of coming or going, and yet I am rarely taking the time to be in neither. In fact, sometimes I am actually thinking about my return when I am on my way to some destination. I will stop myself in my thoughts and realize that I am "living" my life one moment ahead of the present. Which is silly because I am not really "living" my life in the moment ahead because it is not the moment I am in, and therefore not a real moment.

That was a lot of "moments".
Anyway, you know what I am saying?

What I am trying to say is that my mind is always ruminating in my comings and goings and not really skilled at practicing "the staying". The staying is the hardest.
Because the staying in the present is the real, unrehearsed life. It requires an acceptance of "what is" that the future has yet to force upon me. And sometimes that "what is" is not what I pictured when I was doing all of that ruminating in the coming and going.

So maybe you can relate when I say that I am learning that I waste much of my life when I ruminate on my comings and goings. My life should be about learning to make peace with the staying. Because the staying is the only real moment I have.

My blogging friend Andrea, posted her own umbrella post today too. Go check her post out (click here), and the rest of her blog. She is a budding photog herself so leave her some comment love!

linked: from the car

2011-05-13T11:38:00.000-07:00

5/13 Post edit: So for the last two days Blogger has been not working and so any attempts to post and link, etc. were met with an "error" message. This original post below was lost and so I had to go back in and rewrite write the portion of it that had been saved. Such a PAIN. Anyway, here we go again...

(And Friday's post will be up tomorrow. We're flexible right?)

After fifteen years of marriage I can still say that one of my favorite places to be is alone in the car with my hubby. Sans kids. With music of our choice. Or a perhaps a little driving in that beautiful, glorious silence.

It is a rarity, one that we did not appreciate until we no longer had it. That first day we drove home with our son from the hospital with him fastened securely in the infant car seat, we entered a completely new world of the driving environment: one that is filled with kid noise, kid's music, passing of snacks, refereeing of squabbles, fielding questions, and fishing for lost sippy cups, dropped pacifiers, and blankies. Like I said, one cannot learn to appreciate what one has until it is reduced to a scarcity.

On Mother's Day I had a couple of hours of that glorious car space with just my boyfriend.

And it just so happened that my blogging link-up partners, Stacey and Michelle and I had just decided that our "linked" assignment this week would be "from the car."

There could not have been a more perfect time to pull out my camera.

I am anxious to see what "from the car" moments Stacey and Michelle captured this past week.

Head on over to their May 12th blog posts and view with me!

For Michelle's post, click here.

For Stacey's, post click here.

Happy Friday,
T

off in the distance

2011-05-10T07:46:00.000-07:00

You know when you have a big "thing" ahead of you that's gonna take some serious energy and strength to get through and you feel exhausted and spent just thinking about that "thing" before it has even arrived?

Yeah, I feel like that.

I am taking over for Bean's teacher who is leaving on maternity leave this week. For the next three and a half weeks I will be a full-time teacher. I have not done that since the mid 90's folks. That was fifteen years ago when I was high school English teacher. But back then I was a newly married, pre-kid self that could come home to a quiet home and shut down for a few hours before getting up and doing it all over again the next morning.

Bean's class is a great class, their teacher a wonderful, organized, prepared teacher, so I am not worried about any of that stuff.

I am simply an introvert, looking at the vast, hot sandy stretch of beach that is stretched out in front of me, eyeing the horizon of summer.

Three and a half weeks friends. Three and a half weeks of a class room full of kids, end-of-the-school year activities, coming home to mom duties and after school appointments. Summer is a dot on the horizon and I will be focusing my gaze upon her until I meet her with an embrace of relief.

Blogging may be infrequent, just warning you.

Prayers greatly appreciated.

My Picture Inspiration prompt this week was to capture "distance". Last week we were walking this stretch of the California coast line and I meandered ahead of everyone to this open peninsula of sand that jutted out into the ocean. When I turned around my family and friends were but a dot on the horizon, barely noticeable in the distance. I was in an introvert's paradise, just me and the birds and a little family of seals out a hundred feet in the waves. Glorious.

iheartfaces: motherhood

2011-05-09T09:16:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I think motherhood is just one long practice in the art of holding, and letting go.

At first, we are constantly holding them: on the couch, in the rocker, in our arms trying to make dinner, or standing sleepy eyed in the center of a darkened room in the middle of some crazy early morning hour. We swaddle them close, swaying to the rhythm of some silent song in our heads, waiting for the finale of one last droop and close of the eyelids that marks the sendoff to some far away land of sleep. Later, we are holding them close while reading a bed-time story, administering band-aids, hugs of encouragement, comfort. This is the practice of learning to hold them "just so".

Then they grow before our very eyes and we are frantically trying to stay one step ahead of them. When our worry gets the best of us we find ourselves, minute by minute, praying for their protection, health, safety. Praying that they will make good choices, make good friends, find the perfect love, just make it through each day alive. We can no longer cling to the false safety of choosing for them, being in control of their daily lives. This is the practice of letting go.

And no matter what chapter we are in, we are wondering if we are doing the "right" thing, wondering just how much money our children will have to spend on therapy later on in their adult life. :)

Motherhood is the most difficult job in the world with the least amount of pay back in dollars and cents. Through our best and worst moments, our reward is the change that it brings to our own hearts and lives. For better or worse, we are never the same after that moment we hold our first child.

This week over at iheartfaces they are celebrating motherhood. What an appropriate theme coming off the tail of Mother's Day.

I did not get a chance to do a mother's day post yesterday, to publicly honor my own mother. So let me just say....

Mom, I know you could have written this same post today. I know that you have held, swaddled, swayed, prayed me into the person I am today. I also know that you have prayed yourself through the worry of letting go of what you could not control. I want you to know that you have done an amazing job. Yes, I did spend some money on therapy :), as we all could, but it does not invalidate the amazing love that you have poured into me every single day of my life.

I am so very thankful for your example to me of what it means to be a mother who lovingly holds, and lets go.
I love you.
xoxo
t

p.s. go check out all of the other motherhood posts at iheartfaces.

click here

R.F.U.D.

2011-05-06T00:02:00.000-07:00

Last fall Bean was obsessed with a certain song. And frankly, I ~~secretly loved~~ could not stand to listen to it. We took a big break from it for several months and kind of forgot about it. Then, when I was going through these umbrella photos, I found myself humming along to them.

So to begin this Random Friday Umbrella Day, I would like to unapologetically bring this song back into the our minds and introduce you to Bean's debut umbrella montage--with her singing Miley's "Party in the USA"...

(You can thank me later when you find yourself humming this tune all day in your head.)

Here's my bit of Friday randomness:

My son had the "6th grade talk" this past week in school. It was all good, no surprises, nothing that we had not already shared with him. But it brought back those memories of coming home with the little educational pamphlets and being highly embarrassed at the anatomical drawings included in them. With this sort of stuff I try to be really natural and relaxed, talk like this is every day conversation material in our house because I want them to never be ashamed or feel isolated in their thoughts over their changing bodies.

So when he plopped into the car he pulled out the pamphlet and told me all about it without me having to ask him. I gave him a smile and asked him if it was embarrassing to discuss this stuff in class. He said that it was (the boys just nervously laughed through it all) and then with a total huff and roll of his eyes he told me he was frustrated because he thought it was highly unfair that the drawings of the naked, puberty-evolving girls were not as detailed as the drawings of the naked, puberty-evolving boys.

I swiped the papers out of his hands to inspect the drawings. I am not sure what more he wanted from the girl drawings?! They were pretty anatomically and scientifically detailed. And then I went silent and handed the pictures back to him and told him that they were detailed enough and wondered if I should shred them when we got home?

I am telling you friends, this puberty stuff is fun. I may present this calm front to my children about the whole thing, but inside I am freaking out.

Ok, so enough puberty talk. Let us move on with this post!

On Wednesday I mentioned that I was going to be doing another Random Friday Umbrella Day (RFUD) post and invited anyone to join me just for fun. Immediately after the post I had a couple of friends email their umbrella pictures!

My friend, Hilmari, and I have known each other for years and used to live on the same street in our old town. Several years ago she moved back to her home country of South Africa with her Mississippi-bred hubby. I miss her terribly. She does not have a blog (still trying to get her on Facebook) but wanted to participate in RFUD so it was a delight when she emailed me pictures of her kids...

I love those green plastic half-shell umbrellas! When I was a kid, I used to bring mine into the sprinklers and sit underneath the protection of it and listen to the pounding of the water spray.

I have never met Hilmari's smallest child. Makes me desire all the more to get on a plane, camera in hand, and travel to South Africa! Thanks for sharing Hilmari! Love and miss you!

So I would love to have you join me on this RFUD! If you would like to participate then leave me a comment with a link to your post (or flickr pic!) and I will post edit a list below as the day goes on. I will leave this post up all weekend.

Go visit my fellow RFUD'ers....

1. Christine at These Stones. (Hi Christine!)
2. Stacey at sdanddoublee (Fellow Party in the USA fan)

Thanks for joining me!
xoxo
t

lil' rascals

2011-05-05T10:14:00.000-07:00

I have decided to title this picture: "Everybody wants to be the funny guy."

Kid on the right: the funniest. Didn't even notice him until I went to edit the picture and my eye traveled from left to right through the picture and landed on him. Ha!

So, not kidding about tomorrow's Random Friday Umbrella Post Day with random musings included.

I have already had two friends excited about joining me.

Just leave me a comment tomorrow and let me know you joined me and I will post your link.

(I will make it a point to post by 8am west coast time.)

Of course now it's 80 degree weather here in California so no one wants to pull out an umbrella, but whatever. Take a trip to Chevy's and get one of those fruity drinks with a little umbrella and take a picture. An umbrella is an umbrella.

And please, this is all for random fun. Don't take it too seriously.

dishing

2011-05-04T08:52:00.000-07:00

Picture Inspiration prompt this week: "from the kitchen"

Honestly, I wasn't thrilled about this prompt.

One, I do not have a creative, fun kitchen. It's nice and all, super functional, it just lacks any creativity or good light and so I am always jealous of people who takes these beautifully, softly lit photos of their breakfast table, or breakfast bowls of oatmeal. Also, taking pictures of kitchen stuff is not usually my go-to for inspiration.

Two, I did not have much margin for time and creativity this week so these photos took me all of ten seconds to shoot while I was making dinner and my kids were watching iCarly on insta-Netflix. I just aimed up into my kitchen cabinets and caught what I saw. (Soooooo creative.) I wish I had been more mindful, or at least had picked a quiet, iCarly-free time to take my pictures.

However, after uploading them and looking at them, posting them here, I have to say that there a few things I do like about these photos.

One, they capture the dishes that have been with me since I first registered for them over fifteen years ago. These are standard Crate and Barrel Cafeware dishes and I still like them. I love that there is a small chip in the bottom plate (in the first pic) on the right. When I look at the photo I want to reach in and twist the plates around to hide it. It creates a little photo tension and I like it. Imperfection is sometimes good.

Two, that red bowl is one of four Fiesta ware bowls my mom gave to me a couple of summers ago after her trip to Homer Laughlin. She is a collector of Fiesta ware and I have taken a liking to it too. I love the vintage, yet modern lines and I love the colors (the pale aqua's are my favorite). As you can tell, when I was first married I thought that I wanted everything white white white. As I have grown older I have begun to favor color, especially when it is a simple addition to the neutral back drop. Get my drift?

Okay, so thus ends my PI rambling for the week.

On another note...
Friday is coming, and if you have been here before on the last few Fridays you know that I have been posting some umbrella pictures that have been hiding in my photo files for the last few months. I have jokingly titled my Fridays the "Random Umbrella Friday Posts" because it seems that everyone in the photo/blogging/flickr world has a special photo day of the week, and I have felt left out. (Totally kidding! Just poking a little fun at it all.)

So if you would like to join me THIS Friday in posting your own Random Umbrella Friday picture (with ramblings included), then please, by all means, join me! If you do, and you want to let me know, then come back here on Friday and leave a comment and I will post edit a link to your blog in my post so that others can see them over the weekend. If no one joins me that's okay. I won't cry. I just wanted to open it up to others who have mentioned that they feel left out too.

Let us all umbrella away!

It's all natural

2011-05-03T08:21:00.000-07:00

Over the course of blogging for two and a half years I have found myself pleasantly surprised at the amount of friends I have made via the blogging world. I had no idea that this would happen when I first started, and yet some of these friends have become quite dear to me even though we have never met. I know it seems kind of weird if you have never experienced this, to make friends over the internet without ever having met them, but it all happened so naturally and has been a sweet gift for me during this past year. They are always encouraging, always humoring me, and often offering prayers of support.

It feels nice to not be alone on this journey.

Two of those friends, Michelle and Stacey, have joined me today in a fun little blogging experience that many bloggers find themselves doing when they have made blogging friends. We have teamed up for a little photo assignment in which we post our chosen photos for the theme and then link to each other's blogs.

We chatted via email and threw out various ideas and then we made Stacey be the decision maker. (She thanked us for this role.)

Today's theme was: "natural"
As in, we had to take a picture of something that was not man-made. Super simple, the ideas were limitless.
So when we were at the beach over the weekend Bean and I came upon these little tracks leading into the tide. They made us smile, naturally. :)

Ok, so here is where I am encouraging you to head on over to Michelle's blog and take a look at her interpretation of "natural" on her May 3rd post.
Then head over to Stacey's blog and see her "natural" take on the same day.
I know that both of them will offer up a unique take on our theme.
When you do visit, share some comment love with them and let them know that you came from my blog.

I am super excited that you get to "meet" them. They are fabulous photogs and I am honored to call them friends. (Oh, and when you visit Michelle's blog, I want it to be known that I love her dog Lanie. She is one of the reasons I now find myself wanting a dog.)

And lastly...
I caught Bean making her own steps along side the lonely trail of bird tracks. A visual reminder to me that friends who just "happen to find you" in your journey and travel along side you are friendships that are made of nothing artificial. They are natural, God inspired, God-made, organic...and highly cherished.

You do what it takes

2011-05-02T07:51:00.000-07:00

If you do not have an eleven-year-old son who does not like to have his picture taken, then just try and imagine with me what steps you might need to take to get your eleven-year-old son to stop what he is doing and smile for the camera.

Like, asking him to think about his favorite "funny" potty humor that he brings to our family dinner table time. The kind of humor that has his sister rolling her eyes, his mother slapping him on the arm, and his dad covering his face trying not to show his approval. Because this is what I had to do to get him to show off his genuine smile...tell him to think about his dinner-table potty humor.

You do what it takes.

(Hey Bud, try not to look too enthusiastic about getting your picture taken.)

Now there's my Mister.
Love this kid.

Happy Monday.
t

his birthday umbrella post

2011-04-29T07:16:00.000-07:00

Forget the royal wedding hoopla stuff. Let's talk about my totally funny mental moment I had this week...

(Prepare for a run-on sentence) I was thinking back to the half serious joke (is that an oxymoron?) I made in last Friday's post about starting my own "Umbrella Friday" when I had this realization that this Friday was my hubby's birthday and usually I do a post to honor him, soooooo I would not be able to really make good on my half serious joke about "Umbrella Friday" because I would post a nonumbrella picture of him instead. But theeeeeeennnnn, I was going through some pictures of him to post and I came upon these...

Friends? Is this awesome or what?! This could not be any more perfect. You should have seen my face when I discovered these pictures.

These were taken in China Town on our fifteenth wedding anniversary. The hotel had lent us this tent of an umbrella and we walked the several blocks from our hotel arm in arm, tucked under its shelter.

This guy is the best. He has been through some crazy tough times these past couple of years and has come out of it stronger, wiser, and deeper. This weekend we are going away to a beach condo with friends to celebrate him because this guy, this year, needs to be celebrated.

We will celebrate his friendship.
We will celebrate his humor.
We will celebrate his humility.
We will celebrate his heart.

There have been times over the years that I have been awed at his willingness to face the toughest parts of himself, his willingness to admit wrong, his willingness to dig deep into knowing himself better. This is just one of the threads of consistency about him that has caused me to love him more and more. I know that I am extremely blessed to have a man such as him.

I know that the whole world will remember this day because some royal couple got married with 2 billion people watching (my wedding attendance was .01% of that--I think--my calculator wouldn't compute that many zeroes), but in our household, this day is always the event of our year because we love him so much.

Pal...there are so many people who love you, including a very great and good God who out-loves us all.
But today, on your birthday, know that I love you with a full heart. I am so very proud of you are as a man, hubby, and father.
Happy Birthday!
T

let us observe

2011-04-27T07:48:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was a beautiful California spring day. T-shirt and shorts kind of weather. The "lets get out and go to the park" kind of weather.

After a picnic lunch, these two were sprawled on the grass deep in inspection/discussion mode. It's what boys do: inspect, discuss, do more inspecting, do more discussing. (Ever been to an antique car show with males?)

Not privy to the casual observer was what, exactly, these two boys were inspecting/discussing.

Like me. The camera lady, attempting to complete her mindful Picture Inspiration assignment. Which was to "observe"...as in, "capture a sliver of a moment, without the photo subjects knowing that you are capturing them." You know, be a fly on the wall.

So like, how easy was this assignment for me? I totally rock at being a fly on the wall. I pulled out my camera, set it on the grass, and hit the shutter button a million times. Observe, capture...it's what I'm made for people.

After a million clicks my son finally looks up.

Kid: So mom, what do you think? Do you think this bee might be hurt?

Me: (crawling over to now join the inspection/discussion) Uh, you mean the one that you are poking with that blade of grass over and over again?

Kid: Yeah. He just keeps rolling over and can't get out of this little hole and fly away so I keep shoving the blade of grass in his face.

Me: (silent pause of disbelief) If I were desperately trying to get out of a grassy hole and someone kept shoving a blade of grass in my face I'd have a hard time too. (infer the "duh" tone of voice)

(more silence, more poking)

Me: Let me rephrase that. So what I'm saying is that maybe you should just get out of her* bleepin' way, stop poking her, and let her get out of there on her own.

So. Picture Assignment complete. Lesson's learned:

1. I am pretty good at observing, and capturing. I have always loved being a fly on the wall.

2. No matter how smart our boys can be, it's moments like these that confirm that there is a short circuit in their ability to fully master the power of observation. (And thus, the ability to draw sound conclusions.) I am not stereotyping here, I am just observing what I see folks. I'm married to a boy and I have a son. I'm a female. Please refer back to number one.

Girls, you know what I'm talkin' about right?

*99.9% of bees you see out and about are girls working hard to gather pollen. They are also the ones that make the honey, clean the hive, tend to the queen. The boys are at the hives attempting to mate with the queen, until they get kicked out or killed. They also do not have stingers. I'm not sure I believe in karma, but if I did this would probably be the tid bit that sealed the deal for me. How do I know this stuff? Three years of preschool teaching experience, and a trip to the UC Davis Bee Biology Lab with twenty little three and four year olds. They all got to wear little bee-keeper outfits and helmets and let the boy bees crawl over their hands without the fear of being stung. Was all absolutely adorable.

freckles and eyelashes

2011-04-26T07:01:00.000-07:00

Photos I took a long time ago and never shared, but recently found while cleaning out photo files...

Every time I look at this photo I pause to wonder (and envy) over those freckles and eye lashes. To me, the uniqueness of how we are made, the attention to detail, the one-of-a-kindness we all possess is a testimony to the creative genius of God.

I just want to put my arms on her shoulders (like her mother does), look her in the eyes, and plant these words upon her heart:

You are so beautifully unique!
There is no one like you.
You are crazy cool, here for a reason, endowed with purposeful gifts.
And do not let anybody ever disrespect that truth about you.
You hear me?!
You are worthy of love.

Makes me wonder what would happen if we spoke those words more often to the children around us? What kind of generation would we raise up to take our place?

A crazy cool, gifted, purposeful generation of adults who believe in their unique place in this world--who would not have to waste their adult life compensating for what we did not give to them.

That's what kind of generation we would raise up.

Amen.

(Ok, getting off my soap box. Off to clean out more photo files.)

patience, taking turns, and the whole love thing

2011-04-25T09:32:00.000-07:00

While she was on the hammock, he was waiting patiently for his turn. (He is such a gentleman.) They even made a little game of it to make the time pass more swiftly. Life is so much more enjoyable when we take turns, share, and wait patiently, right? I mean this is what we teach our children, though it is much harder to practice in real life.

Because as adults we think it is easier to insist on sharing a stupid toy or hammock because we think those things are so small and inconsequential. Yet as adults we forget to enter their childlike brains, the brains that place a high value on toys, ownership, and going first. Instead, we insist on them behaving with the emotional maturity of an adult. But when they do we are pleasantly surprised and humbled by their example.

Our words come floating back to us when we find ourselves having to share our freeway lane, our front row parking spot, our place in line, our dessert. Or when we are struggling to wait for our turn to speak, make our point, defend our rights, exist in the same space with someone who believes differently than we do.

I know not every situation is as easy as taking turns on a hammock. But maybe we would experience living a with a bit more joy if we could practice like it was?

Hmmmm...I shoulda mentioned this to the guy who drove by our car real slow on Easter morning and flipped us off when we accidentally got in his way. Actually, he flipped off my kids in the back seat, looked my son in the eyes and uttered some curse words all while giving him the bird. I was a little glad he was not going into the church parking lot because that would have been slightly awkward. Happy Easter!

Anyways, it was a good talking point with our kids. How some people are so consumed with selfishness that it breeds anger and hate, which breeds more selfishness. I think that guy needed a hammock moment, or some love, or maybe some grace.

See how rewarding it is when you practice leaning into the practice of patience? When you let go of needing to be first? When sharing is love? When extending grace is more of a sweet drink for your own soul than it is for the receiver...

I know I am going to be eating these words this week while my kids are home on spring break. I will let ya'll know how it went come Sunday. :)

umbrella friday (or random friday)

2011-04-22T16:58:00.000-07:00

Last night we were eating dinner at a shopping mall food court (good times) and Bean turns to me and says...

Mom, you know how I've always wanted to be a teacher when I grow up? Well I'm thinking that I might want to try and be the President.

Imagine her saying this while eating a Cold Stone cup of chocolate ice cream, with gummy bear mix-ins, while holding her new lady bug Pillow Pet that her grandma just bought her. (The matching lady bug slippers were in the bag next to her.)

This girl's got big dreams people.

So since last Friday I mentioned that I've got a collection of umbrella photos that haven't been shared and I thought I would make these next couple of Fridays "umbrella Friday". I'm doing this because I often feel left out of the photo blog/flickr theme cliques that do "Thursday, Bench Day" or "Bokeh Tuesdays" or "Fix-it Fridays". I'm starting my own friends. You can join me. Or not. Whatever.

On another completely random note. I was on my mom's and dad's computer last night and I went to go fix something on the blog and when it came up I was horrified by the quality of my pictures on their computer monitor. Mom, Dad, if you are reading this...

You need a new computer monitor.

Which then makes me a little concerned about what other people see when they come here to this blog? I just assumed that everyone has a fantastic Mac monitor like me and that every photo (whether mine or someone else's) looks fabulous.

Have I been living in La La Land?

Please don't comment if this is true. I'd rather live in my own little world.

Anyway, happy Umbrella Friday....or Random Friday. It's all good.

San Francisco

2011-04-20T22:42:00.000-07:00

A little view from our hotel room on the 17th floor.

It was a dreary day this day, but nevertheless, the view of the city below us was worthy of a photo.

I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with San Francisco. It is historically beautiful, yet wears its cracks well. It is a city of a hundred dialects, nationalities, social and economical extremes, all existing in a small footprint. Case in point: on our walk down to the heart of the city from our nice quiet Nob Hill hotel, I witnessed a man urinating in an open doorway, another sleeping on the sidewalk, and a host of women wearing Prada heading off to bar. We witnessed some drunk guys attempting street dancing for money, a disheveled woman wanted to sell us an old newspaper so she could pay her rent, and a pirate-clad mime completely covered in gold spray paint watching it all from atop his wooden crate. Hundreds of others buzzed around, in and out of stores, stood with mouths open, watched the drunk guys, and waited in line for the trolley cars. In the span of twenty feet I heard a handful of languages and yet ironically I was the one that felt like the foreigner. I always do in this city.

At one point I felt like I was an extra in a movie scene while I crossed the street and watched a man and woman carried on a petty argument...

He, hanging out of his 3rd floor apartment window:
"HEY! Where you goin'?! Bring me back a pack!"

She, standing in the middle of the intersection, in her bathrobe and slippers, waving a finger at him: "WHAT?! Don't you yell at me! You get your own pack you lazy SOB!"

No kidding...San Francisco is not lacking in character.

Yet this is the way this city is every time I visit. I now know why I enjoy the outer edges, the ocean side, the Presidio, the Marina...because the noise dissipates and I can smell the ocean, not feel overwhelmed or anxious with the disparity of the extremes. It breaks my heart to see broken people sleeping on the sidewalk, women trying to sell dirty newspapers (or their bodies) to pay for a meal. And yet this city is raw with the presence of them, and the Suits and Pradas that walk by them. I often wonder if I lived here if I would get used to it and settle into the chaotic collision of extremities. But then I conclude that I am perfectly content to visit and enjoy it in small bites, taking my lifetime to discover its historical beauty, cracks and all.

the plunge

2011-04-19T07:15:00.000-07:00

(This is our favorite lake, filled with snow melt off. It freezes parts off, if you know what I mean.)

I was going to narrate this entire scene but thought it would be best left without words. I think you know what it might be like to work up the courage to take the plunge while others are watching. While they are waiting (and heckling) for you to toughen up and get your bravery on you finally show up and show off.

Besides, the plunge is not for them anyway. It's for you. You want to prove to yourself that you have got what it takes to do it.

And you want to feel the joy of the accomplishment.

(Even though it leaves you with a massive brain freeze and a mouth full of cuss words.)

In case you need to see it in real time...

I remind myself of this every day:

Pay no attention to the hecklers that live inside of your head. You possess what it takes to show up to your own life and take a plunge or two. It's time to get your bravery on!

a welcome distraction

2011-04-18T09:21:00.000-07:00

A week or so ago I posted a photo of these chunkalunks...

So before I go on with the rest of the pictures I have to tell you that when my son was born, he was (and still is) a twig. Born three and a half weeks early, at 7lbs and 11oz, I thought he would be a tank. He was always long and outgrowing the normal age appropriate sized clothing, but he never had that delicious baby fat. Bean on the other hand, was born with those yummy pudgies, and the more she grew the pudgier they became. I was obsessed with her little soft legs. I miss them friends! They are now eight years old and still cute, but not the baby cute that I so miss.

So imagine my delight when, in the middle of doing some other photo work, this little one traveled into the back yard through the shared, neighborly fence. I was completely distracted by her cute little bathing suit and little legs, and thoroughly overjoyed to spend the next half hour following her around....

She moved onto the motorcycle and was looking for the "beep beep"....

Done with the motorcycle and making her way over to the ultimate in toddler satisfaction...

The car.

And finally, something that actually had a horn...

It was time for din-din so Daddy scooped her up and handed her off to Mama.

And I waved goodbye. :(

I went back to my other work and she eventually returned in the comfort of Mama's arms.

I remember when my kids were small enough to carry them around. I wore out a shoulder with the second child doing this, enough to have surgery and physical therapy for two years. (Another long story.) But I would go back in time just to experience it for a moment, shoulder pain and all.

And thus ends my fun little photographic documentation of my work distraction on that day.

I will leave you with my favorite photo, not of her pudgies, but of her wispy hair and piercing eyes.

Friends, how could I not be distracted from work with a face like this?

Ok, off to work. I would say that I am open to any distractions,

but my camera is in the hospital so they cannot be of the photographic kind.

Oh well. :(

Have a great Monday!

hello Friday

2011-04-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

Friday, how I love thee.

You are the light at the end of my tunnel.

My deep breath.

My welcome friend.

There is not another day that I love more than you.

You are rest.

You are sweetness...

...arriving every seventh day until time passes into eternity.

Nothing would be finer than to discover that heaven is a never ending string of you.

********

These photos have nothing to do with Friday. I just simply have so many photos of Bean with some sort of umbrella, I figured I needed to start sharin' the love.

Happy Friday.

xoxo

a goodbye and a surprise

2011-04-13T22:04:00.000-07:00

Friends...my camera is back in the hospital. I am so sad. I really hope this is the final time, or someone in Canonville needs to issue me a new camera for all of the heartbreak I have had to suffer in the fifteen months I have owned it.

I completed my Picture Inspiration assignment for the week and then packed it up and drove it to UPS and said goodbye.

I am grieving, but moving on.

So this week I had to capture a reflection, without the context of the real thing that was being reflected. I had to "pay attention to the shape, color, and light of reflection itself." (Yeah, I needed a translation too.)

Anyway, I translated it to mean: capture not the real thing, but a reflection of it as if you were walking by and happened to see the shape of it, the color of it. Like a little surprise or something...like...that...

Here is an example. Let's say I am brushing my teeth at the bathroom sink, I look up from spitting and rinsing, and I happen to notice in the mirror, Bean's pink, cupcake-looking shower cap, with a Bean underneath it. And she is eating an apple, while soaking in the tub. Would you not be surprised to find such a thing?

Or, I happened to be on my way to plop some of the Kid's socks on the stairs, to remind him that he needs to put them in the hamper (like I do almost every hour of the day), and I just happened to catch a reflection of him in the mirror, sitting in my favorite red chair, looking at me with a look that says...of course my mom will pick up my socks because if I just sit here and reflect on how she always picks up my socks without doing it myself, even though she nags me to do it and threatens that she will throw them away if she has to be the one to do it, she will eventually tire and pick them up herself.
(I really was not "surprised" by this reflection. Were you? I get this look all the time.)

So do those two examples make sense according to my translation of the assignment? I really hope they do because I no longer have a camera to attempt this assignment again.

It's an odd thing to send your camera off. I love my camera tremendously, but it is nice to have a forced separation from it. It creates a good vacation. The reunion is always so sweet. You know what I mean? (Wow, this sounds like I could be talking about my kids, or husband. Hmmmm....)

I will still do a few posts while my camera is gone, share some yet-to-be-shared photos. But it will be nice to clean out my files and get some other stuff done that has been waiting patiently for my attention.

And lastly, here is a non PI assignment photo. While I was snapping the photo above I kept looking at my little vintage cameras on the table there. I have a handful of vintage cameras that I bought from an antiques dealer in town. She gave me a box of twelve or so, for $50. Was a total deal and such a fun find. I have thought for sometime now that I need to take some pictures of them.

So here is the first...

Aren't they so cool? I love my little camera family. Please pray for a safe return of my other child. There will be an empty hole in my heart until it does.

mistakes

2011-04-12T09:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the amount of photographic beauty out there in Internet Land. I have to daily remind myself to choose to set my face to my own path and purpose and not let what others are doing drive me to a game of comparison. I was already thinking about this battle when a photographer friend mentioned her own similar battle and so I realized it was not just me who struggled with this. How silly to believe that we are alone in our struggles. We forget that others are imperfect like us. (As photographers this battle is compounded by that fact that we only display what we think is our best work, forgetting that others also have a pile of rejects on the editing room floor that no one will see.)

As I was going through old photos, uploading them to my online storage site, I came across these out-takes that I never shared. They were "mistakes" in my opinion. Lacking in focus or whatever my insecurities were telling me. I might have gone and edited them a bit to try and dress them up, but honestly I did not have the energy for it.

On this second pass I stopped and decided to share them with you. They are SOOC (straight out of my camera). Never touched. This is a quick look at me, struggling to get my manual settings situated, my composition right. Some of them are misfires, some are the pictures snapped before I caught the one I wanted to keep.

This one? Not sure what I was doing?

I was trying to capture my "niece" in that golden sun. She was laughing at her uncle teasing her. Missed her face completely...BUT I caught her smile.

A total misfire. Sometimes in that crazy sun flare the autofocus can't find a place to rest. I remember being frustrated with this and struggling to find my settings.

I think I put a similar photo in a collage somewhere. Now I love it.

Bean's "meatball"...

I know they are not total failures. In fact, now I love them and am embarrassed that the only "mistake" I made was to have thought they were as awful as I first thought. I am keeping them because I am sad that I was so critical of myself.

I guess what I am trying to say to myself is very cliche: no one is perfect Tracey.

And whatever/whomever I am comparing myself to is just soooooo not worth it.

in her peaceful ocean of green

2011-04-11T07:56:00.000-07:00

Not sure if this is true in your parts of the world, but Spring here always bursts open almost over night. I am always so amazed how one day I will drive by a field and see nothing but dirt and tiny sprouts, and the next day I will notice that spring has rushed in and announced herself with a knee-high ocean of green. It makes for beautiful pictures...

On this evening we were walking back to our car when I suggested to Bean that she go wade into the grass and find a place to make her nest. She was just settling into her little peaceful cocoon when she heard someone mention the possibility of there being some snakes also making nests in the sea of green. The thought of meeting even a small intruder shattered her nesting moment.

(Below: Can you see her wheels spinning? Really? There might be snakes in here too?)

I know I have written about this before (a lot!), but I have been thinking much about "peace" lately. Like how fragile mine is. How with one flicker of a thought about the possibilities of what "may happen" in my near or distant future, I am up and running off in a restless anxiety. Funny how those little voices can set off an alarm of worry that show me just how shallow my roots of peace extend.

I was riding in the car yesterday thinking about this all and I head myself say...
Tracey, how big can those "snakes" really be? Are they even there? Or are they just phantoms of my worry, looming large in my imagination?
And have I really made my God that small, that I believe even he cannot deal with those supposed "snakes"?

I am so human it's not even funny. I wonder how many beautiful, plentiful fields of peace have I forfeited for the game of playing about with the imagined worries of my mind?

(long thoughtful pause....)

Or perhaps knowing peace is more than just trying to emotionally shake myself into a place of of being worry-free. Maybe it is about trusting that even if those "snakes" do intrude upon my life in a very real and scary way, I will get through it. I believe God is big enough to give me the strength to do and be what I need to travel through it. (At least this is what I say. I will never really get to practice what I preach unless I go through it, right?)

I think I am finally understanding that, for me, my peace is not dependent upon my circumstances, but rather upon where I place my trust.

And if I trust he is big enough to take care of me no matter what may come my way, then a beautiful, peaceful smile is the punctuation mark to the end of my heartfelt conclusion.

I really want to exude this kind of beauty from knowing that kind of peace, even though it might take me a life time of practice.

But I am workin' on it.
Thanks for letting me process. :)
Happy Monday.
T

the end of a week

2011-04-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

This was a small irresistible snap shot I had to take. A bright spot in my crazy week. I always melt when I see those chunky cheeks and baby legs. When and why do we stop admiring the pudgies? Can't they always be cute?

I took copious amounts of this little chick and will share them later. But for now I am signing off with a Friday random list of observations about my week. I'm doing this because I know you care.

I think I drove several hundred miles in the span of three days this week. I really don't want to visit another gas station for awhile. California gas is up to $4.17. Somewhere, someone (whomever is in charge of these gas prices) needs to be put on a time-out.

My daughter just went through a major growth spurt and I am now acknowledging that this pre-pre-teen thing is killin' me. I have seen the word "irrational" taken to new heights.

On the brighter side, I discovered that I can make my own microwave popcorn. Mix 1/2 cup of popcorn with 1/2tsp of oil, put into a paper bag, fold over and tape, and microwave for 2- 3 minutes. Smother with some melted butter and salt. Cheap!

I love Chipotle's burrito bowls. And talking with an old friend/cousin for two and a half hours in Chipotle while eating one of the Chipotle burrito bowls.

Do not open the front door when your son has strung together bungee cords and attached them to your front door knob and the front yard tree. Make sure you remind him to clean up the squished lemons off of the street, the ones that were catapulted there from the bungee cord sling shot.

The gluten-free banana muffins I make are better than the normal kind but...

...bananas give me reflux. I never knew this until a few months ago. Every time I think I can surely eat a banana muffin I stand corrected by the miserable sore throat that follows.

I am in denial over this reflux discovery. I love bananas and I keep making muffins. Weep with me will you?

I knew that if I washed my car that it would rain, but I washed it anyway...and it rained.

Calendars are good and useful tools if you look at them. All Monday I thought it was Tuesday. It was not. But wouldn't that have been nice if it had been true?

Seeing this man's photo work reaffirmed that I want to do what he does. I just need to be single and not have children and be willing to take lots of malaria pills and experience crazy traveling conditions. But maybe some day? (I cried through most of his pictures.)

My kids are hilarious. The Kid thinks that playing ball-wall in the house is not annoying. He also laughs when I scold him for putting his feet on my pillow. Bean believes I am torturing her when I ask her to clean her room. Laughing hysterically.

I love Friday's. I love a weekend that is wide open. I love being done with a crazy week and feeling like I accomplished stuff.

I love baby pudgies, but not my own. I will never take a picture of mine and blog about them. You are very welcome. Have a happy weekend.

reflection

2011-04-06T22:37:00.000-07:00

As her mother I want her to know what it means to be your own best friend, to be comfortable in your skin, to love yourself with a sober judgement that knows your infinite value and endless worth.

I want her to know now all these truths that I am only just discovering for myself.

But as parent I am painfully aware, as I watch my children grow, that in some ways they are just mini reflections of myself. A mirror reflecting back to me all the beauty and the flaws of my own emotional landscape. What a discovery to see myself reflected back to me in their words and emotions. Foolishly I think that I am so adept at covering up my shortcomings but the truth is that I cannot give what I do not have.

So I am personally working on that which I want for her: to be a friend to myself, to be comfortable in my own skin, to emotionally connect with the truth of my infinite value in a God who loves me.

I am doing this because when she sees herself in a reflection, I want her to see herself smiling back.

It has been a crazy week of commitments and catching up and letting go. My Picture Inspiration prompt this week was to capture a reflection. (Fun for me since I'm a bit geeky about reflections like I am about leading lines.) Bean and I hunted for one this afternoon and we found it in our backdoor window. Just please ignore the dirt. :) I thought about reflecting on the meaning of the smudged reflections but then realized that I was too tired to do so and then it would all be rambling. Like I said, it's been a long week but I wanted to get my weekly assignment up. Off to bed!

arrival

2011-04-01T07:52:00.000-07:00

Friends. Meet Spring. She finally arrived here in the form of blazing sun, 80 degree weather, and allergies. I just noticed last night my poor son sniffling and trying to breathe while waiting for his shower to warm up.

It's Friday and I am beat. This probably has something to do with the fact that after two weeks of not being able to go on my walks because of the rain, I have walked four miles every day this week, and then some. Seriously that is kind of pathetic that I am so beat by walking. There was a phase in my life where I used to run, until I dropped a seven pound frozen ice-cream maker bucket on my toes one summer. Up until then I could boast that I had never broken a bone in my body, and that I was a "runner", but after that incident I was totally humbled and I never got back on my running feet.

Anyway, I digress.

So spring came, I have over-walked myself, and now I am whining. I am taking a few days off from blogging to recover (because, uh... doing all that walking really puts a cramp in one's blogging muscles) and get some stuff done that is hanging over my head. (Interpret: I'm overwhelmed with too much stuff right now that something has to give.)

Enjoy your weekend. Tell me about your plans, your Spring dreams, your allergy remedies for my son (preferably natural remedies).

Or just tell me that you can sympathize with my Friday slump. I don't want to feel like the loner that I already feel I am.

leading line

2011-03-31T00:30:00.000-07:00

Yesterday afternoon I was at a county park/farm with a friend, my hubby, and Bean. I had three photo "jobs" to attend to in the space of two hours, two of which were for two different websites (can share more later), and one was to get my mindful Picture Inspiration photo assignment completed.

Although I wasn't really in a mindful mood because I was completely distracted by a perfect moment of beautiful light, perfect background, and my precious Bean standing in the middle of it.

These were my three favorite pictures from the two hours we were there. She was in another world. I was a whisper away. I look at these photographs and lament at how fast she is maturing, yet in awe of how she grows more beautiful each day.

We walked a little further from our spot and my P.I. pic found me. The assignment this week was a further exploration of the rhythm and motif, this time incorporating repetition, a diagonal, and a shallow depth of field to carry the viewer's eye through the picture. It is called a leading line. Photographer's jargon, blah blah blah.

But when you see it you intuitively know and like it because it is pleasing to your eye. Whether you know it or not, your eye likes to enter a picture, move about it comfortably, and then exit it smoothly. It likes a turbulent-free ride. Well at least mine does. But then, I have always been one to get extremely motion sick so there you go.

So here is the picture that found me.

Ok class...please take note of the repetitive pattern on the fence, your eye traveling diagonally across the photo following the fence line, taking a brief rest stop at the just out of focus Bean in that shallow depth of field (I put her there because I really like a human element to photos), and then continuing on out to the old barn and exiting off the photo. You entered one side of the photo and exited off the other, left to right, like you read. (Unless you read Anime/Manga novels then you read right to left, back to front, but whatever, that's beside the point class.) This is not a rule for every photo you take but it is one I employ often, because I like lines and diagonals and sometimes I am kind of a geek about them. Kids, if you own a camera, this is safe to try at home.

And so here ends my rambling. I think. You know, sometimes I think I am good at photographic leading lines but not so good at using them in writing...like now. How do I exit this post smoothly? I led you in, carried you through, and now am at a loss as to how to land the plane and let you off easily.

Maybe I should just end it here.

Or here.

The end.

(See you tomorrow.)

my little umbrella adventure

2011-03-30T00:04:00.000-07:00

Last week I shared this photo...

Today I will share some others that I snapped while on my creative weekend escape I took with my art group. It was a stormy weekend so I had to take advantage of the lulls in the rain when I could. I dressed my camera in a plastic bag, borrowed a rain coat, and went out with my friend to exercise my creativity.

(Photo note: I also got to exercise my creativity when it came to editing. I usually love a good clean photo, but some of them were just too fun not to play with.)

God bless my sweet friend: she had left her boots out by the back door overnight so when she went to go put them on the second day they were full of water! She wore them anyway, for me. She was a true model.

And there she is smiling at me on her way back up the stairs to the beach house. I thanked her that weekend, but I want everyone to know how thankful I am that she was willing to walk up and down the beach for me, leap through the waves a million times, sacrifice her dry feet for me.

Look at her...I hope she knows how beautiful she is both in body and soul. I wish you all knew her so you could agree. :)

capturing a birthday moment

2011-03-29T08:04:00.000-07:00

Over the weekend we had a family gathering to celebrate my sister-in-law's birthday. I am sure she would like everyone to know that she turned twenty-one. I can vouch for her. ;)

Because I know that I rarely get a picture with my children, I insisted on dragging her and her daughter outside to capture them in her birthday moment. I wanted her to have this moment.

I love the feeling of giving something to someone that I know is needed to restore, encourage, remind them of what they have. (And believe me, my sis-in-law needs some encouragement in this present chapter of her life.) I would want to have the same for myself...a beautiful photo of me and my children on my special day. The joy in the giving is worth more than any dollar amount I could earn in photographing people through my lens. I guess this is what it feels like to have your gift become a gift. And this the place where my joy finds root.

I do not ever want to lose this feeling.

my little inspiration

2011-03-28T07:49:00.000-07:00

This kid rocks. He's really does dance to the beat of his own drum.

He is soft spoken, full of cool break dance moves, and has his own ideas about style.

Love him.

While he was watching the big kids shake their groove thing to the Dance Off game and I just tried to be stealth with my camera. He sensed my presence and then gave me a few smiles, and socks.

Love him.

(This last picture makes me smile.)

On this Monday morning, I am reminded that the best thing I can do for my creative self is to be me. Like listen to the beat of my own drum, rather than trying to follow others. Be not afraid to show people my striped-socked feet to bring about a little laughter. Be content to just watch from the outside of the circle and join in when I feel comfortable...

....or even remain in the background to do my own dance moves.

Happy Monday.
xoxo

willing:

2011-03-25T08:16:00.000-07:00

Willing: to be wrong

to go last

to listen

to not nag

to sacrifice my time

to be renewed

to give my best

to submit my thoughts to the truth

to kneel in humility

to go without

to be grateful

to stop what I am doing to be present

to be used for a greater purpose

to sing praises when my heart is sad

to trust

to be silent

to believe despite what I cannot see

to go one more day

to open my hands and let go

to follow

to sacrifice

to grow

to choose love

And when my heart fails...

Willing: to pray for the heart to choose to be willing.

Just a few things I am praying for these days.

Deep thoughts on a Friday, I know.

Have a blessed weekend.

xoxo

stacked

2011-03-24T07:41:00.000-07:00

After the storm I wandered the beach and decided to capture what the ocean had coughed up during the wind and rain. Everything was photographed just as I found it except for (ahem) one picture. It's kind of a "which one is not like the other" game. Can you guess "which of these things is not like the other"? (Remember that Sesame Street song?)

You are so smart blogger friend. I am assuming you guessed correctly, otherwise you may need to review a few Sesame Streets to get your game back on.

This week, my mindful photo assignment from Picture Inspiration was to capture something "stacked".

We were give the encouragement to arrange our own stacked items if we so wished. So as I was combing the shoreline I kept noticing these little caps and scooping them up into my pocket. I believe they are some seed pod caps (not acorn, there are no oaks nearby) that blew down from the trees on the bluffs that overlook the shore. The wind carried them to rest on the sand and I marveled at their various colors and shapes.

They reminded me of that children's story I used to read to the kids, Caps for Sale.

I delicately stacked them one on top of each other, all the while singing in my head...

"Caps! Caps for sale! Fifty cents a cap!"

Do you know the story? I read it a million times to both of my kids. If you have read it, now you too can have that little line ringing in your head all day.

You're welcome.

embracing the rain

2011-03-22T07:36:00.000-07:00

When the rain refuses to leave, step out and embrace it.

And so I did, with my camera and a friend who happened to have her rain boots. We were spending the weekend at a beach house with a group of talented women artists that meet once a month to encourage and challenge each other. I am the only photographer in the group, the others are all painters. So while they sat near the large windows and worked on their paintings for our approaching art show, I looked for opportunities to be creative through my lens.

I wrapped a plastic baggie around my camera and headed out and captured my friend strolling the shoreline. (She was such a trooper.) I have many more umbrella pictures to share and more from the weekend too, but this one seemed to stand alone.

It spoke to that emotional place in me that is learning to embrace the figurative rain in my life. I am discovering that much beauty can be found when I am willing to step out and walk in it.

Literally, I would have never snapped this picture if I stayed inside. But it makes me wonder what else I am missing by not embracing the rain?

paradox

2011-03-21T09:58:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I find myself wrestling with life's paradoxes. No matter how hard I try, my mind cannot hold two completely opposite, yet true realities.

Like how I can feel so painfully small, a drop of life against the expanse of the universe, yet I hold infinite value in the hands of purposeful God.

....Or how I am but a vapor, here and gone in a blink, yet my touch and influence ripples throughout generations whether I want it to or not.

...And how I can feel so alone as I trek across my life's landscape. How I am settling with the weight that the journey is mine alone and it is up to me to make decisions, listen, and get about the work of living.

Yet others are right ahead of me, and right behind me, making this trek too.

But even greater is the other truth that I am not alone.

The God of the universe, who created me and time, walks with me...this significant, and valued drop of life.

Can you tell these thoughts are all very weighty on my heart this Monday morning?

clinging to peace

2011-03-19T00:31:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I trust God with the hope of an innocent child. Those days I know Peace.

Other days my fears are untethered, no longer weighted down by rational gravity.

There is so much going on in this world lately that I find myself painfully, curiously watching with my hands up to my eyes, nervously peeking through my fingers. I try not to live in denial, but sometimes I just have to turn off the radio, the computer, get off Facebook, because I just cannot emotionally filter the barrage of information and photos: earthquakes, predictions of more earthquakes, tsunamis, nuclear meltdowns, radiation exposure, political unrest, economic collapses.

I guess my sensitivity to all of this should drive me to pray, but sometimes I just wanna be a mom trying to decide what special elective my son should take for his jr. high class schedule next year. (If we are all still alive by then.)

Some fear is rational. Like fleeing from a tsunami constitutes rational fear.

Fretting over events, and prediction of events (like the earthquake that is "supposed" to hit California today) that are out of my control is fear untamed. Right?

Anyway, this is where I have been this week emotionally. The picture of Bean has nothing to do with this all. It just happens to be my favorite image that I captured this week, and one that brings me to a better place when I look at it.

I know where my personal peace comes from. It's just that some days I am desperately clinging to it.

green green, everywhere green

2011-03-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

The Leprechauns caused mischief at school today. They left desks overturned, papers strewn about the floors, and piles of gold coins and chocolates. I took my camera out at lunch time to snatch up all that green. Believe me, there was a TON of it!

I was inspired to capture all the green today when I remembered that I had done a similar thing last year.

I think I have begun a St. Patrick's Day tradition here on this blog...

...a collage o'green.

let's all just gush over the baby

2011-03-16T06:43:00.000-07:00

Last week I held the honor of babysitting Little Miss. Her mom handed me to her and then waved goodbye and told me she would be back in a few hours. I closed the door and looked down at this beautiful face. She looked at me, let out one quick scream, fussed for two seconds and then promptly closed her eyes and never opened them again for the next hour. (Not kidding about the promptly closing her eyes and never opening them up again.)

It was such a warm and friendly greeting.

I carried her upstairs and laid her on my bed and covered her with her blanket and walked out. She remained in her passed-out stage for an hour and then woke up and shouted into the silence of the bedroom until I rushed up to get her. I fed her a warm bottle, which she completely guzzled, and then we hung out for a bit in front of the computer and did some Facebook and Pinterest. (Screen time isn't an issue with them yet right?) And then she passed out again from being in the warmth of my arms. Or maybe it was the milk coma?

Later on we picked up the kids from school, who were very excited to have a little passenger with them. They held her hands the entire way home and made sure she was comfortable and happy. My son made quite the impression on Little Miss. She gave him the biggest flirty smiles you have ever seen. Of course Bean's feelings were hurt because she did not get the same reception so I had to coax her back and encourage her not to take it all so personally.

She eventually resumed the big-sister role and cuddled with her, fed her another bottle (which she guzzled), and hung out on the floor with her. Little Miss reciprocated with smiles and coos and Bean was quite in love.

I have not babysat a tiny baby in years. Funny how it all comes back to you. The way you pick them up, swoosh them in your arms, bounce them. I even found myself understanding the baby-talk, the revving up of her "I'm hungry" engine with small little short cries as she tried to communicate, get my attention. I explained this all to Bean and we listened and smiled and then watched her come unglued as we got her bottle ready--watched her attack the bottle with a ferocity of a hungry cub.

We loved watching her little legs kick and pedal in time with her arms. Her eyes followed the bright lights and then locked on to my big camera lens. She studied everything with rapt attention, soaking it all up like a sponge.

All this made me want another baby...for like two seconds, and then the feelings passed. But those two seconds were filled with such grief over the passing of those days when I had my own babies. They have grown so big that I cannot believe I am actually beginning to think about what it will be like to be a grandma. (I know!)

Holy cow. I gotta slow down or I'm gonna age myself faster than you can say "let's all gush over the baby." For now, I think I will stick with just being the babysitter.

And gush over this face...

What's not to love about that face?! (The bunny was Bean's idea.)

iheartfaces: sun flare love

2011-03-14T20:05:00.000-07:00

This will remain forever as one of my most favorite pictures I have ever taken.

Our girls had just finished riding lessons and we were lingering in the last of the daylight. I love how mom and daughter are washed in sunshine, caught in the sun flare love.

A beautiful sun-drenched moment.

I can still hear their laughter and feel their joy, authentic and pure. I love that about this photo.

For all these reasons I couldn't help but to post it for iheartfaces "sun flare" week.

Head on over there to see all of the other amazing sun drenched moments.

motif

2011-03-14T07:19:00.000-07:00

There are times in my life when happiness seems to be elusive. Struggle as I might to rise above my circumstances, I feel as if it is something only reserved for those who have good jobs, a nice house, a healthy family, and "enough" money. Although at first you may deny that you struggle as I do, deep down I think we all honestly do struggle with the belief that happiness is something to be obtained when all the other things in our lives "fall into place". I know I am always embarrassed to admit this, but my emotions always reveal the truth as to what I believe.

It is my motif...a pattern in my thinking that I have prayerfully been addressing these last few years. (Perhaps you can relate?)

I spend so much time dreaming, sometimes chasing, after that elusive happiness, that I fail to recognize that it has always been near and available to me because it is not dependent upon my circumstances. It is dependent on my choice to find it in the things that circumstances cannot take from me: the love of my family, the laughter of my children, meaningful friendships, the gifts of creativity, the unconditional love of a God who values me as important and worthwhile.

Its just that sometimes I am caught in that warped pattern of thinking, too preoccupied with "life", to see what I have been missing.

******

Week two of mindfulness comes from the weekly Picture Inspiration theme: motif. A motif is a distinctive and reoccurring form as in a design, as in a painting, or on wallpaper.

When I found this wall of happy faces over the weekend I was delighted to find a motif that spoke to me on many levels. It captured the basic idea of a motif (the reoccurring happy faces) but it also encapsulated a mental motif, a pattern of thinking that I know I am not alone in struggling with--this truth that happiness is something we often miss because we believe it is to be obtained through things or circumstances. Our repetitive mental motif (which breeds debilitating emotions) needs some serious divine intervention, and some personal effort, in choosing to renew our way of thinking if we are ever to experience the contentedness for which we long. I wanted to photograph someone walking by this wall o'happiness to illustrate this struggle.

the golden gate (and possibly my dad)

2011-03-11T10:31:00.000-08:00

This is where I will be for the next couple of days
celebrating my fifteenth wedding anniversary with my Pal....

No, not on a bridge.
But in a hotel room with a view of this bridge, which is much nicer than actually being on the bridge, if you ask me.

I have driven/walked across this bridge many times in my life and I have many photos documenting it because even if you live near this bridge, when you travel across it and under those towers, the sheer beauty and enormity of it is always breath taking.

But I have to say, that the last time I walked across I almost passed out...

First off, heights are not my thing. Adding to this fear is the presence of a suicide hot line number posted on signs along the bridge. Just thinking about people leaping over the rail crushes my heart with such sorrow that I wind up standing on this bridge with tears in my eyes, rather than enjoying the beauty from my perch.

Second, this bridge almost has a micro-climate of its own and it is often windy and cold up there. Sometimes the bridge is completely shrouded in fog. Unless it is an amazingly beautiful, unusually hot summer day here, you have to bundle up. The last time I walked across it, I feared my family would be blown right off it.

And thirdly, the last time I walked across it they had been doing some repair work on the pedestrian path and there had been a story of a toddler who had fell through the construction cracks. I cannot believe I am even writing about this on my blog because it was a horrific story, but that story scared me enough to pretty much leash my children to me and swear that I would not walk across this bridge with them again until they had turned fifty.

Well now, isn't that pleasant?

Moving on...

So these photos were taken a month ago when we took the kids up north to a coastal state park. We were heading across the Golden Gate and I pretty much crawled onto my dashboard so I could take an unobstructed view out my windshield. It still has a little bit of a "through the windshield" blur to it, but oh well.

In the first picture (the one at the top of the post) you can see the top suspension cables and if you look carefully you can see handrails. Handrails. Without fail, every time my hubby and I drive over the Golden Gate we have to discuss them. Because there are people who actually walk up those cables to do inspections, repairs, and paint. Every single time we look at each other and say...

Who ARE those people?! CRAZY!

They are not me, that's for sure. This is why I will be enjoying the view from my hotel room this weekend.

Happy weekend.
xoxo

p.s. There are many old pictures of the golden gate bridge being built. I just googled it. Go see for yourself the daring men who risked their lives to build California's pride and glory.

p.p.s. Top picture, bottom right hand corner, the man in the baseball hat, dark sunglasses, looking at the camera....I swear that is my dad. Go look at the last picture from this post and then come back here and tell me that it is indeed my dad. Different color jacket, but still. Dad???

winter

2011-03-10T00:01:00.000-08:00

Dear Winter,

Here is what I know about you:

You always seem to last longer than you really do.

I know your ways...
I feel your touch upon my skin and your spirit within my bones.

I always resist you, but now I have learned to embrace you because it just

seems easier than wasting my energy longing for anything else.

I always forget that I have to adjust to the little amount of light you give to me.

You shroud the world in blankets of black and white and grey,
reducing color to a memory.

I grow tired of you. And I grow tired of talking about how tired I am of you.

I know there is life sleeping under your surface, waiting to spring forth in perfect timing.

And you always seem to test my faith in Spring, my belief that you are just a season.

Only a season.

(Sometimes a very long season.)

But then I am amazed when you actually do subside and Spring blooms true.

Spring always blooms true.

good times

2011-03-09T00:02:00.000-08:00

Yes my blogging friends, I used to be a preschool teacher. A Montessori preschool teacher to be exact. It was my first job out of college utilizing my child development degree, and a job that I remember well.

It was madness I tell you.

I used to come home and collapse on my bed in an exhausted heap. My roommates would not speak to me for about an hour so my introverted soul could recoup from the craziness. I stuck with it for three years.

I really love working with kids and so when I visited this little preschool with a friend a while back I got to relive those days of perpetual sand in my shoes, working out sharing issues over the dump trucks, hanging a gazillion wet art pieces up on the clothesline to dry, and learning to live with snot. (It was basically just my early test-run for motherhood.)

Ah, good times...

There was the time that four-year-old Alex came back to school after having a circumcision and insisted on showing everyone his "band-aid". (Makes me laugh every time I tell this story.)

We had to reinforce the rule about keeping your clothes on, which actually was probably made in the first place because he would sneak into the classroom while we were having outside play time, strip down, and then would burst out the door and streak across the play yard. Man was he fast.

And how about that time when Brice announced that the applesauce snack was "SPICEY!!" only to have me swipe it from his hands and discover that I had served him spoiled apple sauce. (ON ACCIDENT PEOPLE!) He never trusted the applesauce again. (I would like to note that he also said the same thing when I watched him put an ant in his mouth.)

Or how about the time I discovered that little Johnny could completely read, write, and add/subtract three and four digit numbers in his head in seconds...and he was four years old. He also could give me the precise road map directions, including the freeways, to his home in a nearby city. Oh, and I taught him how to do decimal points, and introduced long division.

And I will not forget the time when Alex (the band-aid kid) brought his pet caterpillar to Show and Tell and then misplaced it on the carpet at circle time while he was waiting for his turn to show it...only to have it turn up a few weeks later as a butterfly newly hatched from its cocoon on the underside of the eaves of the dollhouse roof. Look teacher, I found my caterpillar!

I will never ever ever forget the time that Tyler (God bless his heart) told his mom that the woman in the Pepsi commercial looked like his teacher Tracey. The woman in the Pepsi commercial was Cindy Crawford. I think I am still living off of the high from that one.

There was one little girl that I loved. Her name was Elise and she would draw pictures of the two of us underneath rainbows. We only had big circle heads with enormously long legs and arms sticking out of them. But I loved those pictures anyway because they were developmentally perfect. Scribbles first, then circles, then circles with legs. Always the first people to appear on a child's paper.

Sometimes I think about those kids and I miss them and wonder if I would recognize them. I hate to acknowledge this, but some of them have already graduated from college, might even be married and have kids. Don't even try to do the math.

As if that doesn't make me feel old enough, after my preschool days I went on to teach high school English for four years. Those students are now my peers (with kids of their own)...and are now my friends....and read this blog...and come over to my house and play NHL Hockey on the XBox, with my husband...and leave comments on my Facebook page asking me when I will do a blog post about hockey.

Yep, that sure makes me feel old.

So when you think of me now, just remember that I used to be a young, Cindy Crawford'ish, preschool teacher who totally rocked her first real job. K?

rhythm

2011-03-08T08:21:00.000-08:00

the sound of my steps as I walk my favorite two-mile loop
the beat to my favorite song
the click of a metronome as I play the piano
the sway of our bodies as we dance with our kids
the flash of the blinker light on the car in front of me
the bounce of a basketball in the courts across the street
the staccato of a wood pecker off in the distance
the yip yip yip yip of the tiny neighbor's dog left outside
the ritual Sunday ride to church
the rise and fall of the tide
the cycles of sleep and wakefulness
the pulse of my heart after a long walk
the strum of my husband playing his guitar
the beep of the microwave as it ends it's task...beep, beep, beep, beep
the routine of breakfast, lunch, and dinner, breakfast, lunch, and dinner
the rising and setting of the sun
the clickity-clack of the train over the tracks as I wait at the crossing gate
the familiar pattern of California spring growth: the poppies, the daffodils, then the tulips...
the turn of the seasons: winter, spring, summer, fall...winter, spring, summer, fall...
the second hand of the clock quietly counting time
the sound of the hammer in the construction zone behind my house
the drip of my leaky kitchen facet, drip drip drip, until I wiggle it to stop
the days of the week rolling by...1,2,3,4,5,6,7...fifty-two times a year
the feel of my son's chest rising and falling under my hand as I check on him before I head to bed
the ritualistic morning kisses as everyone heads off to work and school
the sound of my husband's snore, until I nudge him to roll over
the spin of the earth in twenty four hours
the yearly circle of the earth around the sun

the weekly ritual of laundry: sort, wash, dry, fold, sort, repeat

Rhythm. My **assignment this past week was to capture this word. Definition: A harmonious sequence of pattern of masses alternating with voids, of light alternating with shade, of alternating colors, etc.. (There were many ways we could interpret it but we were to capture some piece of the definition.)

I sat with it for days and let it ride with me in my car, soak in to my skin during a hot shower, rest with me on my pillow as I drifted off to sleep. Funny how once you get an idea in your head you begin to see it everywhere.

One day I was folding laundry and I stepped outside of myself to watch from a distance. There I was in the quiet of the morning, sitting upstairs in the hallway outside of the laundry room, folding and sorting the clean clothes, participating in a routinely rhythm of sorting and folding, sorting and folding. It is a basic task of life of which I have succumbed to the responsibility and one that I do not always enjoy, for it is never fully completed. And it falls under the category of "routine"--a word with which I have never been friends.

And yet, and I know this sounds weird, as I sat there sorting and folding I saw a woman carrying her dirty linens to scrub them in the river, and another was hanging them to dry on a line strung outside her window. One woman was in the fluorescent light of a laundry mat inserting coins into a machine, and another was sitting in her hallway folding laundry in the quiet of the morning. This thought struck an oddly beautiful note in me: I was participating in a daily universal rhythm of the care and keeping of myself and my family. And one in which I had been participating for most of my life, once a week (sometimes more), year after year after year.

I paused in wonder at how the universe has been pulsating in a wonderfully balanced rhythm for thousands of years, and how our bodies bare witness to the life giving rhythmic beat of our hearts. Day after day we rise to the beat of our own lives and then climb into bed, only to rise the next day to do it all over again. All of life rolls forward, beat after beat, after beat, after beat.

(Deep thought: So why should I be surprised to find disorder, imbalance, disease, and pain when the rhythms of life are disrupted? Laundry aside, how much of my life could find more health and balance if I simply instilled more rhythm into it?)

Anyway, in my little quiet laundry moment I wondered if I could make peace with my weekly chore of sort, wash, dry, fold, sort, repeat by simply surrendering to the rhythm of it?

*******
The photo above was the product of my new weekly attempt to practice mindfulness when I pick up my camera. I enrolled myself in an online photography course entitled Picture Inspiration. This week's prompt was to capture "rhythm". I thought of a million ways I could convey rhythm in nature but I wanted to see if I could capture it in everyday life, since I felt that the assignment had taken me in the personal direction of evaluating my own life's rhythm. I thought of a laundry room where the weekly rhythm of doing the laundry takes place. I ordered my stack of clean clothes in a dark/light/dark/light pattern to convey the sense of "alternating colors", which is a piece of a the rhythm definition, and ultimately represents the rhythm of daily life, doing laundry.

Geez. Listen to me. Who have I become? I sound like some artsy-fartsy person standing in my art gallery explaining the deep meaning of the sculpture I just made out of sticks of butter and bubble gum wrappers.

Do I need to go lighten up?

the many beautiful sides of her

2011-03-07T07:28:00.000-08:00

As she was looking out the back door, I asked her to park right where she was in that beautiful, soft window light. But there is rarely a serious moment when the camera is aimed in her direction. Is it the age? The fact that she is, and always has been, a total ham? Her life long experience of being her mother's photographic muse?

Anyway, the bottom right hand photo? I call it her like-OMG-I'm-Paris-Hilton! pose. I have no idea where she got it, but it comes out every time the camera is on her. I roll my eyes and snap a token photo for her and then wait for the silly Paris to subside.

And then she settles and finds her way into her thoughts and I capture her in that soft window light, all the while smiling at how precious and beautiful she is to me, and how blessed I am to know her.

When I was a child I struggled to believe my mom when she told me that I was beautiful. I know that it made me feel good to hear her say it, but my insecurities often overruled my mother's voice. (Mother's are supposed to say that aren't they?) But her persistent telling found it's way somewhere in the soil of my self worth because even in my struggle to believe it I felt a shred of confidence in the fact that I could trust her judgement. Maybe her words were true? Maybe I am beautiful.

Now I know that a mother tells her daughter that she is the most beautiful girl in the world, not only because she believes it to be true, but because it is true. I know our judgement is completely ruled by the overwhelming love we feel for our child, but who can argue against a mother's fierce love?

For if your mother believes you to be the most beautiful girl in the world, then you are.

And what about all of the other mothers who think their child is the most beautiful, cute, handsome, adorable, etc.?

They are right too. :)

Because beauty does not merely rest in the eye of the beholder. It finds truth and validation in the heart of a daughter who hears her mother say over and over again...

Bean, you are the most beautiful girl in the entire world. There is no other like you.

Every mother wants her daughter to believe in her beauty. So I pray that if I tell her today, and tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that, that those words will take root and eventually bloom into a confident belief...one that she will wear with graceful dignity as she follows the path of her life.

My beautiful Bean, I love you so.