a little Monday honesty

It is a thoughtful Monday for me friends.

I have a gazillion things to say and yet there is not enough blog space to write them all.

I mentioned October was going to be crazy, but what I meant was that it was going to be full of change... emotionally trying, faith-testing, physically demanding change. I do not want to sound melodramatic, but yet I finally need to acknowledge that I believe I am in a bit of a crisis moment. I realize that I do not know most of you and sharing my personal life struggles in gory detail is not something I really do here. So I will spare you the gory details. But it is simply enough for you to know that while I take pretty pictures, seemingly might have a wonderful little life, there has been much emotional heart break, physical toil, and grieving going on behind the scenes in the last year. My marriage is fine, my kids are fine, no one is dying, it is just a chapter of chronic struggle that has come to a head this past week.

I spent four hours in the car yesterday thinking and praying about this all and struggled with the decisions I could make in regard to the health of myself and my family. I came to one conclusion:

For now, I need to step away from my photography life, yes, blog included. 

This makes me deeply sad, yet oddly relieved.

Perhaps because I know in my heart that decision is right and good. You see, my family deserves my full attention in the next few weeks. The changes that are coming need my presence of mind and physical stamina. I need space to think and pray. I need to exercise a little self compassion and use the small amount of free time I have to take a walk, cook a healthy meal, read with my daughter, play a game with my son, get to bed on time.

But still, I am sad over the letting go.

Yet letting go is the only way I know how to trust God with the things that really matter to me.

So I am going to honor the few commitments I have and then I am giving him my photography and my blog. I am letting him hold those things for now and trusting that he will hand them back to me in a beautiful golden bowl of perfect timing when this chapter is over.

I know that the blogging world will continue to spin without me and I will miss it. Thankfully my camera will wait for me like a loyal friend. Though I would love to say that I will be back in a month or so, I have learned in the past year that I can make my perfect little plans but it is God who determines my steps. Somehow his path is always much better than the one I could make on my own.

If you think of me, pray for me and my family. We need it.

And thank you for all the blog lovin' you have given me over the months. 

I have made some good blog friends and I am blessed to know you!

Much love,

Tracey

p.s. If this is your first time here, I am so sorry for such a bummer of a post.

Please feel free to look through the archives and find the much more livelier me, and enjoy.