a new chapter...

My dear blogging friends,

After two and a half years of blogging in this space, I am picking up and moving on to a new corner of the internet. (You can click here if you want to bypass my long Pen and View good bye letter.) Funny how happy/sad I am about this move. Actually, it's not surprising to me. I am what I call a "slow transitioner". I love to dream about the future, yet I am quite sentimental about change. I tend to turn the page to the next chapter with much thought, reflection, grieving.

When I started this blog it was for two reasons: to document our family life in photos and words, and to improve upon my camera skills. Frankly, I have never liked the name of this blog (I picked it in a rush to just get going with my blog idea) but it grew to settle on me in a comforting sort of way. This is where I penned my thoughts, documented the photographic life of my last few years. It is a journal I will keep forever.

But you see, over a year ago I purchased a new photo space (see, I dream about my future!) in an effort to move towards what I thought I should be, and then Life happened, like happened hard. I had made some plans but I had no emotional space to deal with pursuing anything but the day in front of me, leaving my dreams and plans to sit on the back burner of my heart. I think you can relate.

But as we all know, when Life happens, we cannot assume that we are wasting time/purpose/energy. Life is never wasted; there is always some purpose to the spinning, stalling, struggling of our present moments.

I read this line the other day in Abraham Verghese's book Cutting for Stone: Life: you live it forward, and understand it backwards. How very true this has been for me.


In the past year I have wrestled with myself quite a bit, much of it over what direction I wanted to take in regards to my photography, how I enjoy creating, and what I should "do" with all of it. I realize now that the last year was good in its hardness because it prevented me from making rash decisions about how I should proceed. It also made me reflect on why I thought I should be "doing" anything in the first place. (Why are we so plagued with futuristic living and doing? Is it to settle the anxiety over not being enough in the now?)

So why "do" now? While I believe I have settled a bit into knowing my creative self better, I have sensed in the past two months what I can only describe as a slow "uprooting" in my heart. This feeling of the final words being written on the previous chapter. The bubble (no, the boil) of desire to get a move-on to begin writing the words on the next one. I think this feeling has more to do with my entire life--my family, our direction--than just my own creative pursuits.

I do not want to be Pen and View anymore. I want to be Me. And I think it's now time to get Me settled onto the fresh new page of the chapter because I think more is on the Life horizon.

With that all said, my blogging friends, please join me over in my new space. It is not drastically different than this one here, as I am a simplistic girl at heart, so I hope you like it.

But before you go, I want to say thank you all for the love you have deposited here over the last few years. It has meant more to me than you know.

Off to begin writing the new words on the fresh blank page...

You can follow me at: tmorrisphotography.com

t

p.s. I decided to leave Pen and View up for the time being until I figure out how to archive it to a safe place. And, it's a good reminder for me of what growth looks like when I am feeling stuck in the present. 

solitary perch

Friends,

I am saying a short and tiny goodbye today. Gonna wade out to that sunny warm rock and perch myself upon it and take a summer breather from the blogging. I have some other "things" that need my attention: other photo stuff, family activities, and my own personal care.  All good stuff, just listening to the whisper in my ear that is telling me to take a little blog vacation.

I will be back August 1st.

Until then,
t

p.s. One of my favorite things this summer has been to photograph Bean in her pink hat. I bought this pink hat for her several years ago and she has finally "owned" it. Makes me smile. :)

a little affirmation

Excavate the depths of my photo files and you will find that most of them are of children.

I love children.

I love to capture their littleness.

I love to capture them unaware, just inhabiting their space.

I love to capture their profiles.

I love to capture their goofy sides.

I love to capture my reflection in their eyes.

I love to capture the proof of their infinite beauty and uniqueness.

So is it any wonder that I am forever trying to throw my photographic arms around them?

This past week my Picture Inspiration assignment was to do a little excavation, to look back at my assignments and show you all what I have discovered about myself through my images.

This assignment was more of an affirmation than a discovery. (Is this really a surprise?)

So today I am showing you what continues to be an affirming, resounding, "yes" in my creative heart: given the choice between a flower, a landscape, a family, a wedding, a baby, or a child, my photographic heart will always draw nearest to the face of a child.

I am a magnet, drawn by the force of their innocence, and charm, uniqueness, and wonder in an unquenchable thirst to capture their worth.

(This is my "niece". She is a ham. A close second to my Bean who is her competitor. She was insistent on me photographing her "O" mouth. So I made sure to get that for her.)

still not yet...

After yesterday's post I stumbled across these two photographs...photos that were taken by my mother when we went down to Santa Barbara for a little girls trip a couple of weeks ago.

I am so glad I shoved the camera into my mom's hands and told her, with much encouragement, that yes she could take a good picture. There was a brief moment that my belief in her wavered when I had to show her a couple of times where the shutter release button was located, and she fumbled to hold the heavy camera. But she did it. She actually did it.

And so as I reflect back upon the post like yesterday's, in which I reveal the slightly elevating panic I am feeling over the growth and loss of my little Bean, I see these pictures...

...and I cry.

...and I melt.

Now I know what it means when others say to their children, you will always be my little girl.


She will forever be my Bean. I know I will always see traces of her underneath her skin, in her eyes, and in the way she loves me.

I cannot thank my mother enough for taking these pictures.

not yet...

Someday she will be too old to play at the park.
But that someday is not quite yet.
I know it's soon, because there is another person emerging from the skin of her little girlness.
This new girl is a bit more opinionated, more--shall we say--sassy, more self conscious.
I need a manual.
I need an orientation week like they have at school.
I need a laser gun that will freeze time.
I need to breathe in, breathe out.

I am not ready for this.
How do you let go of your little girl?

one image: irritation

lens: 24-70 2.8
shutter speed: 1/320
fstop: 5.6
ISO: 800

A couple of days ago I wrote about my photographic composing "eye" and admitted to being a bit geeky about it all. In case you did not catch it, I am a visual person. You should watch a movie with me. :) My eyes are always capturing the tiniest details, noticing the things in the background, picking up on facial expressions, distracted by the light and cinematography. I never remember the character's names in a movie. Never. Because it's an auditory thing and I simply do not find it meaningful enough to remember.

So on this random umbrella friday day I am going to take my geekness up a notch, just a bit. Not a lot, I am hoping.

This part of my geeky composing eye comes into play after I have taken the picture, when I am sitting at the computer staring at a photo that I cannot seem to decide if I like or not.

I have this OCD'ish thing sometimes with a photo, like the one above, where the photo will totally work for me except for one small irritating piece over which my eye cannot seem to stop obsessing.

For example, in the photo above: that stupid, white, upside-down, hand-written, sticker on the umbrella, the sticker that is not even completely stuck to the handle. (Which totally drives me crazy too.)

I want to rip it off and throw it in to the street.

You may have not even noticed the sticker, but my eye goes straight to it every time I look at this photo. Then it goes directly to those creepy monkey claw back scratchers, and then that's it, that's all I can handle. (Why do they make those back scratchers look like monkey claws?! Those are monkey claws right? Why did I take this photo?)

I do not care if the sticker adds an interesting detail to the photo.

Rip. It. Off.

Raise your hand if you agree with me.

Or maybe you should just raise your hand with me in agreement that your week has been one long week and you just need your space and that is why you are overly irritated at the stupid, white, upside-down, hand-written, sticker on the umbrella handle.

Then you can also raise your hand in agreement that even though this photo should be tossed, that one wooden back scratcher with the red claw looks really nice right now, and that you would not mind being the test subject for one of those at this very moment.

If you are raising your hand with me then many blessings for rest over your weekend and mine. We need it!

Now, if you need a soothing photo after looking at this one, click here to see one of my photog friend's umbrella photos. She told me last week that she had some to post but didn't get them up in time.
Heather, your delay was actually perfect timing. Your photo was needed on this very Friday to rescue me from mine. :)

Happy Friday!

one image: letting a photo find you

Lens 24-70 2.8
shutter speed 1/50, f2.8
ISO 400

Sometimes the best photos are caught when you stumble upon them.
Some are best caught when you anticipate them
This one was caught doing both.

I stumbled upon this precious scene--he inside the massive toy box contentedly playing alone. I crouched a few feet away and anticipated him looking up to discover me. I could see the photo in my mind and I smiled when it came to be, ripe with perfect timing.

I have found that my best photos are those that have found me. They are also the ones that I patiently wait for to reveal themselves.

Of course there are many artfully composed photos out there that I admire, but it is the one that is made from real life that I adore the most.

If you are like me, and you like these kinds of photographs, you will find that the best thing we can do to improve our "eye" is to venture out each day and do some stumbling and anticipating. I never cease to be amazed at the photos that find me, almost as if they were waiting just for me.


Photo geeks....I actually took this photo a year and a half ago. I honestly do not know what I was doing with the settings at the time. I believe this was taken on my old camera and so that slow shutter speed was the result of not wanting to bump up my ISO because of the grain I would get in the photo if I did. I am impressed that I got the photo as sharp as I did. Not sure if I knew the rule of thumb: to avoid hand-held camera shake, keep your shutter at a number that is equivalent to the focal length of your lens. So if you are shooting with a 24-70mm lens, then going below 1/70th of a second in your shutter speed is dipping into blurry waters. Oh well, thankful for the shot!

one image: my "eye"

Photo stats:
24-70 2.8 lens
ISO 100
shutter speed 1/1600
fstop 4.5

Ok, so I am going to reveal some of my inner geek by sharing with y'all about how I "see" a photo when I take it. These are not secrets, but more of a behind the scenes look at what goes on in my mind's eye in that split second when I am composing a photo.

Prepare for a long'ish post. I have a plethora of words to describe what happens in seconds of thought...

So, most of the time I am behind my lens I am thirsty for capturing photos that evoke movement and story. I love love love it when the viewer can continue to imagine and complete the movement and story of the moment as they stare at a photo. For me, these kinds of photos carry more emotional weight than those that are artfully posed because they carry a feeling of real life that contrived ones cannot. I gravitate towards these kinds of photos and so I search for movement and story in my own work.

I love to capture photos that have depth from front to back, rather than a simple left to right dimension. I like a beginning, middle, and end...almost like you can visually travel through it. Knowing how light works helps to achieve this because light adds dimension. I actually do not like a bland over cast day because photos seem flat and one dimensional to me. When a photo has all of that good stuff going on then then I smile.

I also search for photos that have a simplicity to them such as a single element, focal point, or color scheme. I am a simple person and visual clutter has always created anxiety in me. I seek peace in my photos. Sometimes if there is too much going on I put it all in black and white to unify it all. And then sometimes, I am okay with the clutter if it is part of the story. But most often, I am seeking order.

When I am composing, I instinctively deconstruct a scene into basic visual shapes. Actually this is not something I really put much thought into when I am behind the lens, it just is part of how I see the world, so therefore I am doing it when I am composing. As a result, I am drawn to filling my frame with large shapes and the shapes have to have balance within the frame. They do not need to be symmetrical, they just need to be balanced.

So, am I a geek or what?

Yes, I am. And when all of the above comes together, then I am full of geeky glee.

You might guess then that the technical part of photography has, and continues to be, a chore to me because it is not an instinctual process for me. (This is why I probably suck at math. People who say math is instinctual are from another planet.) I have learned to tackle and practice the technical aspects of photography because they are like driving a stick shift: you gotta know the dance between the clutch pedal, gas pedal, and gear stick if you want to make your car hum at optimal performance. When I finally learned to drive my roommate's stick shift back in college, I found that it became like second nature. It has been the same with learning the technical portion of photography: I am still learning but it is slowly becoming instinctual.

I share this not as a lesson in how to take better photographs. I share this as an insight into what excites me when I take photographs, when I create. Everyone is wired differently and it really is a waste of creative energy to try and be something that you are not.

The more you practice your art, the more your creative eye and process will reveal itself to you. And the more you embrace that process, the more improvement you will see in your own work. You will be happier too.

In case you are visual, like me, here is the geek breakdown of the photo above.
(movement, story, simplicity, depth, shapes, and balance)

Hope this encourages you to find your inner creative geek and embrace him or her. It's the only way you will truly discover that you are unique.


A unique geek. :) See, they rhyme. Must be something good.

trampoline crazies

Behold, photo representations that pretty much sum up my day today: 

Crazy. Bouncy. And oh so fun.

Up at 6am, back home at 9:30pm.

So why am I up blogging?!

Because getting in bed means that in a few short hours I will be back up and running again. 

And for this introvert, that just makes me want to cry. 

Hoping that I look as stellar as these friends do when I am bouncing around these next few weeks. Except that I might leave out that crotch shot my son is doing in the right frame. ??? What gives?! 

He was doing it in almost every bounce shot. (I have spared you the 101 other shots I have of this day.) Remind me to have words with him. 

And how did Bean keep her hat on her head? Reminds me of all of the Indiana Jones movies in which Indy never loose his hat...in every battle, skirmish, roll, jump, race. Remember that scene in the latest movie where he goes over the waterfall in the jeep and survives...with his hat on? Totally unrealistic.

Ok, enough. Now I'm just rambling because I am loopy. 

Off to bed!

dishing

Picture Inspiration prompt this week: "from the kitchen"

Honestly, I wasn't thrilled about this prompt.

One, I do not have a creative, fun kitchen. It's nice and all, super functional, it just lacks any creativity or good light and so I am always jealous of people who takes these beautifully, softly lit photos of their breakfast table, or breakfast bowls of oatmeal. Also, taking pictures of kitchen stuff is not usually my go-to for inspiration.

Two, I did not have much margin for time and creativity this week so these photos took me all of ten seconds to shoot while I was making dinner and my kids were watching iCarly on insta-Netflix. I just aimed up into my kitchen cabinets and caught what I saw. (Soooooo creative.) I wish I had been more mindful, or at least had picked a quiet, iCarly-free time to take my pictures.

However, after uploading them and looking at them, posting them here, I have to say that there a few things I do like about these photos.

One, they capture the dishes that have been with me since I first registered for them over fifteen years ago. These are standard Crate and Barrel Cafeware dishes and I still like them. I love that there is a small chip in the bottom plate (in the first pic) on the right. When I look at the photo I want to reach in and twist the plates around to hide it. It creates a little photo tension and I like it. Imperfection is sometimes good.

Two, that red bowl is one of four Fiesta ware bowls my mom gave to me a couple of summers ago after her trip to Homer Laughlin. She is a collector of Fiesta ware and I have taken a liking to it too. I love the vintage, yet modern lines and I love the colors (the pale aqua's are my favorite). As you can tell, when I was first married I thought that I wanted everything white white white. As I have grown older I have begun to favor color, especially when it is a simple addition to the neutral back drop. Get my drift?

Okay, so thus ends my PI rambling for the week.

On another note...
Friday is coming, and if you have been here before on the last few Fridays you know that I have been posting some umbrella pictures that have been hiding in my photo files for the last few months. I have jokingly titled my Fridays the "Random Umbrella Friday Posts" because it seems that everyone in the photo/blogging/flickr world has a special photo day of the week, and I have felt left out. (Totally kidding! Just poking a little fun at it all.)

So if you would like to join me THIS Friday in posting your own Random Umbrella Friday picture (with ramblings included), then please, by all means, join me! If you do, and you want to let me know, then come back here on Friday and leave a comment and I will post edit a link to your blog in my post so that others can see them over the weekend. If no one joins me that's okay. I won't cry. I just wanted to open it up to others who have mentioned that they feel left out too.

Let us all umbrella away!

umbrella friday (or random friday)

Last night we were eating dinner at a shopping mall food court (good times) and Bean turns to me and says...

Mom, you know how I've always wanted to be a teacher when I grow up? Well I'm thinking that I might want to try and be the President.


Imagine her saying this while eating a Cold Stone cup of chocolate ice cream, with gummy bear mix-ins, while holding her new lady bug Pillow Pet that her grandma just bought her. (The matching lady bug slippers were in the bag next to her.)

This girl's got big dreams people.

So since last Friday I mentioned that I've got a collection of umbrella photos that haven't been shared and I thought I would make these next couple of Fridays "umbrella Friday". I'm doing this because I often feel left out of the photo blog/flickr theme cliques that do "Thursday, Bench Day" or "Bokeh Tuesdays" or "Fix-it Fridays". I'm starting my own friends. You can join me. Or not. Whatever.

On another completely random note. I was on my mom's and dad's computer last night and I went to go fix something on the blog and when it came up I was horrified by the quality of my pictures on their computer monitor. Mom, Dad, if you are reading this...

You need a new computer monitor. 

Which then makes me a little concerned about what other people see when they come here to this blog? I just assumed that everyone has a fantastic Mac monitor like me and that every photo (whether mine or someone else's) looks fabulous.

Have I been living in La La Land?

Please don't comment if this is true. I'd rather live in my own little world.

Anyway, happy Umbrella Friday....or Random Friday. It's all good.

San Francisco

A little view from our hotel room on the 17th floor.

It was a dreary day this day, but nevertheless, the view of the city below us was worthy of a photo.

I have somewhat of a love/hate relationship with San Francisco. It is historically beautiful, yet wears its cracks well. It is a city of a hundred dialects, nationalities, social and economical extremes, all existing in a small footprint. Case in point: on our walk down to the heart of the city from our nice quiet Nob Hill hotel, I witnessed a man urinating in an open doorway, another sleeping on the sidewalk, and a host of women wearing Prada heading off to bar. We witnessed some drunk guys attempting street dancing for money, a disheveled woman wanted to sell us an old newspaper so she could pay her rent, and a pirate-clad mime completely covered in gold spray paint watching it all from atop his wooden crate. Hundreds of others buzzed around, in and out of stores, stood with mouths open, watched the drunk guys, and waited in line for the trolley cars. In the span of twenty feet I heard a handful of languages and yet ironically I was the one that felt like the foreigner. I always do in this city.

At one point I felt like I was an extra in a movie scene while I crossed the street and watched a man and woman carried on a petty argument...

He, hanging out of his 3rd floor apartment window:
"HEY! Where you goin'?! Bring me back a pack!"

She, standing in the middle of the intersection, in her bathrobe and slippers, waving a finger at him: "WHAT?! Don't you yell at me! You get your own pack you lazy SOB!"

No kidding...San Francisco is not lacking in character.

Yet this is the way this city is every time I visit. I now know why I enjoy the outer edges, the ocean side, the Presidio, the Marina...because the noise dissipates and I can smell the ocean, not feel overwhelmed or anxious with the disparity of the extremes. It breaks my heart to see broken people sleeping on the sidewalk, women trying to sell dirty newspapers (or their bodies) to pay for a meal. And yet this city is raw with the presence of them, and the Suits and Pradas that walk by them. I often wonder if I lived here if I would get used to it and settle into the chaotic collision of extremities. But then I conclude that I am perfectly content to visit and enjoy it in small bites, taking my lifetime to discover its historical beauty, cracks and all.

the plunge

(This is our favorite lake, filled with snow melt off. It freezes parts off, if you know what I mean.)

I was going to narrate this entire scene but thought it would be best left without words. I think you know what it might be like to work up the courage to take the plunge while others are watching. While they are waiting (and heckling) for you to toughen up and get your bravery on you finally show up and show off.

Besides, the plunge is not for them anyway. It's for you. You want to prove to yourself that you have got what it takes to do it.

And you want to feel the joy of the accomplishment.

(Even though it leaves you with a massive brain freeze and a mouth full of cuss words.)

In case you need to see it in real time...

I remind myself of this every day:

Pay no attention to the hecklers that live inside of your head. You possess what it takes to show up to your own life and take a plunge or two. It's time to get your bravery on!

hello Friday

Friday, how I love thee.

You are the light at the end of my tunnel.

My deep breath.

My welcome friend.

There is not another day that I love more than you.

You are rest.

You are sweetness...

...arriving every seventh day until time passes into eternity.

Nothing would be finer than to discover that heaven is a never ending string of you.

********

These photos have nothing to do with Friday. I just simply have so many photos of Bean with some sort of umbrella, I figured I needed to start sharin' the love.

Happy Friday.

xoxo

T

mistakes

Sometimes I feel overwhelmed by the amount of photographic beauty out there in Internet Land. I have to daily remind myself to choose to set my face to my own path and purpose and not let what others are doing drive me to a game of comparison.  I was already thinking about this battle when a photographer friend mentioned her own similar battle and so I realized it was not just me who struggled with this. How silly to believe that we are alone in our struggles. We forget that others are imperfect like us. (As photographers this battle is compounded by that fact that we only display what we think is our best work, forgetting that others also have a pile of rejects on the editing room floor that no one will see.)

As I was going through old photos, uploading them to my online storage site, I came across these out-takes that I never shared. They were "mistakes" in my opinion. Lacking in focus or whatever my insecurities were telling me. I might have gone and edited them a bit to try and dress them up, but honestly I did not have the energy for it.

On this second pass I stopped and decided to share them with you. They are SOOC (straight out of my camera). Never touched. This is a quick look at me, struggling to get my manual settings situated, my composition right. Some of them are misfires, some are the pictures snapped before I caught the one I wanted to keep.

This one?  Not sure what I was doing?

I was trying to capture my "niece" in that golden sun. She was laughing at her uncle teasing her. Missed her face completely...BUT I caught her smile. 

A total misfire. Sometimes in that crazy sun flare the autofocus can't find a place to rest. I remember being frustrated with this and struggling to find my settings.

I think I put a similar photo in a collage somewhere. Now I love it.

Bean's "meatball"...

I know they are not total failures. In fact, now I love them and am embarrassed that the only "mistake" I made was to have thought they were as awful as I first thought. I am keeping them because I am sad that I was so critical of myself. 

I guess what I am trying to say to myself is very cliche: no one is perfect Tracey. 

And whatever/whomever I am comparing myself to is just soooooo not worth it. 

in her peaceful ocean of green

Not sure if this is true in your parts of the world, but Spring here always bursts open almost over night. I am always so amazed how one day I will drive by a field and see nothing but dirt and tiny sprouts, and the next day I will notice that spring has rushed in and announced herself with a knee-high ocean of green. It makes for beautiful pictures...

On this evening we were walking back to our car when I suggested to Bean that she go wade into the grass and find a place to make her nest. She was just settling into her little peaceful cocoon when she heard someone mention the possibility of there being some snakes also making nests in the sea of green. The thought of meeting even a small intruder shattered her nesting moment.

(Below: Can you see her wheels spinning? Really? There might be snakes in here too?)

I know I have written about this before (a lot!), but I have been thinking much about "peace" lately. Like how fragile mine is. How with one flicker of a thought about the possibilities of what "may happen" in my near or distant future, I am up and running off in a restless anxiety. Funny how those little voices can set off an alarm of worry that show me just how shallow my roots of peace extend.

I was riding in the car yesterday thinking about this all and I head myself say...
Tracey, how big can those "snakes" really be? Are they even there? Or are they just phantoms of my worry,  looming large in my imagination? 
And have I really made my God that small, that I believe even he cannot deal with those supposed "snakes"?

I am so human it's not even funny. I wonder how many beautiful, plentiful fields of peace have I forfeited for the game of playing about with the imagined worries of my mind?

(long thoughtful pause....)

Or perhaps knowing peace is more than just trying to emotionally shake myself into a place of of being worry-free. Maybe it is about trusting that even if those "snakes" do intrude upon my life in a very real and scary way, I will get through it. I believe God is big enough to give me the strength to do and be what I need to travel through it. (At least this is what I say. I will never really get to practice what I preach unless I go through it, right?)

I think I am finally understanding that, for me, my peace is not dependent upon my circumstances, but rather upon where I place my trust. 

And if I trust he is big enough to take care of me no matter what may come my way, then a beautiful, peaceful smile is the punctuation mark to the end of my heartfelt conclusion. 

I really want to exude this kind of beauty from knowing that kind of peace, even though it might take me a life time of practice. 

But I am workin' on it.
Thanks for letting me process. :)
Happy Monday.
T