Happy Blog Birthday

Time for a party people!

A year ago today I set out to start a daily photography blog with the sole purpose of following a passion, improving my skills, and leaving a trail of memories for my kids. I had some idea (and I hoped) that the journey would be fruitful. But as often happens when we get a wild hair brained idea in our heads, we set out unaware of what the experience will actually hold. Oh yeah, I had no idea (my family had no idea either)...

As I stand at the year long mile marker looking waaaaaaay back at the girl poised at the start line (sigh--I was till in my 30's), I find that I am incredibly proud of myself. I am not sure I have ever felt this sense of accomplishment in myself. (It must be something akin to finishing a marathon, or loosing weight, getting to the top of Mt. Everest?) I am certainly proud of myself for sticking with it. Proud of myself for the huge improvement in my skills. And most surprisingly, I am proud of the fruitful self discovery that unfolded with clarity and sureness. This was the single most beautiful gift that I received and one that will push me onward to continue blogging.

So that's the reader's digest version.

You can move on to visit your next blog or park yourself here for a moment while you peek into what the journey has shown me. I have written this mostly for myself as a mile marker, but perhaps some of it will resonate with you, especially if you know me, and if you have already been where I am.

So here goes...

I discovered I am more passionate about photography today than I was a year ago.
There are not enough adequate words to describe the fulfillment I experience when I am behind the lens. To say it is a "calling" makes it sound a little cliche to me. I believe I just discovered the perfect vehicle to express the creative spirit that I have always had, and that has longed to express itself in a manner that is meaningful to me. There is not a day that goes by that I do not want to pick up my camera. The thirst is that real.

I discovered I have greatly improved.
This came as a surprise...and not a surprise. I just didn't know how much and to what depth I would grow. Inch by inch I pushed my technical skills and my editing skills, which I also discovered was another place to be creative. And moment by moment I pushed my creative eye to "see". There were only a handful of days I struggled to pick up my camera (rainy days), yet every time I did I found that life was waiting for me to discover it. The daily practice of sowing my seeds produced much more fruit than I ever could have imagined. It got me wondering what else in my life I could improve upon if I set my mind to daily work on it? It also made me realize that the act of picking up my camera every single day is what makes a good photographer into a great one.

I learned that safety is equal to stagnation.
I could pick up my camera every day and take the same safe pictures, hunt for the same safe light but it would not push me to be better. I could improve upon what I was safely doing, but never would I learn to be a pro, excellent, unique, if I shied away from the difficult. There were moments (during photo shoots) that brought me to the edge of my skill level and yet pushing myself through it, in the end, created growth. Every great photographer will tell you that learning to shoot in all situations is what produces that instinctual familiarity with your camera.
I learned that I needed that and that I wanted it. Safe is fun, but challenge will grow me.

I discovered how to listen to myself.
As I listened to well meaning friends encourage me to go step up my business and begin marketing myself as a child/family/whatever photographer, I was always left with a nagging "not yet" in the back of my heart. From past experiences and from watching others I know that all too often we are too quick to outline the future for ourselves. We take the obvious logical road and pick the fruit before its ripe. I needed to listen to myself and that nagging "not yet" and ask myself questions. (To which I am still asking.) Questions such as: For what purpose do I pick up my camera? Do I just want to make money? Do I not want to be left behind? Do I just want accolades? What truly ignites my passion when I do get behind my lens? What is that nagging feeling about? Why am I so hesitant?

Well...
I discovered that I do not care about the money or the accolades...at all. I want to be true to my creative spirit even if it never means making a dime.
(That was a relief to discover.)
This I discovered from two experiences.
The first was when I found myself actually being paid to do photography shoots. While I loved the chance to capture friend's kids or take family photos I found that I struggled with having to pose people and perform to client's expectations. It went against my need to be the "fly on the wall". I was often distracted with finding the moments of candor and spontaneity and story. I thought that if I was going to be a "pro" I needed to be and give what people wanted and if this was how I was going to make money, then I did not want the job. Sounds so stupidly silly as I write, but slowly it donned on me that I needed to be true to the type of photographer I innately was. Tracey was in charge (duh). I also realized that if it weren't for the fact that I really should be compensated for my time (my family deserves it and I deserve it for all the hours I put into it) I would totally shoot for free. However, if people wanted what I had to offer, then they would find me until I was ready to "step up into a full time business"--whatever that looks like.

The second experience affirmed the first one. When Haiti was hit with a massive earth quake and the images of story after story flooded the internet, I found myself shedding actual tears over the longing to be there with my camera, to capture such an intense soulful, heart wrenching moment in time. For a brief moment I wanted to be a single, childless, poor traveling photo journalist, living out of a tent, anxious with the need to be out amongst the chaos capturing untold stories and nameless faces. I took notice of my response and listened. That moment of self reflection affirmed to me that I love to convey story, I love to document--in beautiful pictures and in words. This self discovery is the greatest gift I treasure from the year long process because it freed me from rushing into a type of business, to make money, that was not yet right for me. And, it freed me from pursing a mission that wasn't right for my purpose. As I commit to continuing my blog I am anxiously excited to discover how to marry my desires with a purpose that will bless many. I will be keeping my eyes and heart open.

Lastly,
I discovered that I needed to set my heart to more and more learning.
Though I have yet to discover how my photography will be used specifically in my future I am devoted to the process. If I do not arm myself with the tools of the trade then I will not be ready for the opportunities that present themselves. For the next six months I have committed myself to stepping up my skill level and my editing skills. I have already sat with my hubby and told him what I needed--a better editing program, more memory on my computer, a class, technical knowledge, whatever it takes. I look forward to this time. And if I happen to do a photo shoot here and there, then it is the way of provision, and a chance to happily practice.

If you have stuck with me to the end of this post, and even to the end of my year long journey, then I have nothing but gratitude and appreciation for you. I have spoken to many of you who peek into my life everyday and your encouragement means more to me than you know. Really. The fact that my creativity blesses someone is worth more than money or accolades. Words can't express...

Thank you, thank you for following me on my journey.

And thank you to my family who have patiently encouraged me--patiently waited for their dinners, good night kisses, and for me to put down my camera so that I could engage with them. Thank you for letting me spend so much time on discovering myself.

Hoping that you all would follow me as I journey on into the next mile...

Can you really blame me??

I realized today that by now some of you are familiar with my Bean and her friends and their outside pursuits, and the geographical nature of the park across the street. Geez, I know I'm out there a lot following everyone around. But can you really blame me? Look at the light my friends! And such cute muses on which to practice my camera skills! I took these this past week when the sun was a welcome break from the storms we had been having. I was so giddy about the light that I stayed out there the entire time with them roaming the fields, soaking it all up.

I am supposed to tell you that this was the fairy forest. (Miss G was pretty excited.)

Ok...must explain: she was standing there in the open field with the light on her head and meowing to her fellow "kitty friends". I had to interrupt, just for tiny second, to get her to give me just one quick look over her shoulder.
(The light was killin' me.)

This was another outtake from the post I did a couple of days ago.
(In fact, when I first saw the other one I was about to delete it, but on second thought, kept it and put it in black and white and fell in love with it. It pays to not have a hasty delete finger.)

Off on her own. Again...had to catch that light on her hair.
(She's my other "Bean".)

There were some secret messages written at their "home base".
(Of course I was not privy to what they said.)

And then there was some serious planting, tending to the garden.

(Ahem) Excuse me while I just quickly point out again the marvelous light filtering through her hair.

Dirty garden hands are the best. I truly miss my old garden in my previous house. There is something about digging in the earth that is just so spiritual.

Sun catchers...

And then the glowing setting sun on my beautiful Bean...

Tomorrow is my ONE year blog birthday.
Can you believe it?
So much on my heart to share...

Hey Little Man...

Where ya goin'?
(Okay, I'll follow. I can do that.)

It seems as if you know where you're going. Even your shadow wants to follow.

From the looks of it, you seem to be in charge of your own universe.
On second thought...maybe you're the center of it.

You think that hat makes you look a little more "hip"?
(Hmmm, I'm not too sure about that blue pom pom.)

A snack? You wanna snack?
Alright. Snack it is.
(That blue pom pom is growin' on me kid.)

Hey now Little Man...I know it looks pretty interesting, but lets just look.
Uh...ok. Just one touch.

The mud is pretty cool huh? "Squishy" you say?
Yes. Very squishy.
(Remember, stay out of the puddle.)

Oops. Oh well. You might as well enjoy it.
(Everything is washable, right?)

How 'bout a little distraction? What's up in the sky? An airplane?!
Wow! See the airplane?
(Hmm, that's quite a dirty face you got goin' on.)

We'll have to come here more often, huh?
I had a good time talking with your mommy while we followed you around.
So glad you could explore.

Now, before I go, just keep those berries out of your mouth...they're not for eating. Yucky!
Little Man...keep them out of your mouth...

(not pictured: berries being spit out of Little Man's mouth.)

the purest of friendship...

loves without condition
forgives when forgiveness is required...refuses not an apology
attaches no strings
reserves judgment, assumes nothing, waits for truth
works to edify each other, does not tear down
holds no grudges
bears humility
creates safety
honors boundaries
never manipulates, intimidates
listens (even when understanding is slow)
carries each other's burdens
waits...patiently
sacrifices (even when it is painful)
does not keep score
sharpens, is willing to work things through
selflessly serves
turns the other cheek
cherishes, nourishes
withholds blame
takes ownership, where ownership is due
welcomes light in the dark-filled corners
rejoices with those who rejoice, weeps with those who weep
fosters honesty, vulnerability
values time together
creates history worth remembering


Never. Gives. Up.

precious

A little vulnerability here...

Lately, I have been dwelling on the beautiful, miraculous and yet sometimes tragic nature of life.

In the midst of devastating earthquakes, floods...to a friend loosing a baby five months into her pregnancy...to another miraculously birthing her baby in an emergency make-shift labor room on her bathroom floor...to my own personal circumstances, I have been reminded of the overwhelming reality that life carries no promises and no dress rehearsals. There are moments of deep gratitude and moments of endless tears.

It seems as if this one-act journey never exhausts itself from manifesting countless opportunities to test my beliefs and the strength of my heart.

And yet as the fragility of life has been painfully real to me in these last few weeks it stands in juxtaposition to the absolute amazing miraculousness of life itself. Pain and beauty side by side. It is what it is...throughout the course of our lives, at different times, we will experience one or the other. The fact that the two walk together is what makes this life crazy, beautiful, fragile, and precious.

A little swish and a treat

I'm in the middle of computer/camera mayhem right now, attempting to make some changes, learn more, and so I am unable to show what I took today. Fortunately I forgot to share these with y'all a while back so today is my lucky day. 

I always bring my camera to Bean's riding lesson because the light is just so amazing. This time, I just scrunched down against the wall and attempted to catch Ruby's swishy tail. It got so dusty in the arena I could taste it, and my lens could too. I had to eventually evacuate.

At the end of every lesson Bean gives her horse a treat. Usually it's a peppermint! (Who would have guessed that they fancy peppermints?) This time she brought Ruby a carrot. It has taken a few weeks for Bean to get used to the nibble nibble of Ruby's lips on her palm as she attempts to find the treat. The look on Bean's face is true anticipation. I love it. (Sweet Ruby is so patient.)

Sweet Sun and Friendship

I mentioned a couple of days ago that there was a glorious moment when the sun broke through the tired rain clouds and the kids and I ran outside to play. Bean had her BFF and I had my camera (yeah, kinda like my BFF too). I captured them in their girly girl moments of play and laughter. I love this photo below...something funny was passed between them that I could not hear. (Seven year old girl secrets--so take a guess as to how "funny" it could have been.)

This photo just makes me smile...their friendship is just too sweet.

Bean has been wearing these for a week straight. I am sooooo glad I found them in her size. 

Do you know how hard it is to find rainboots?! 

Then Brother brought out the wagon for them so they could use it to play house. 

(Sometimes, he can be so thoughtful and sweet.)

The wagon was filled with "food" and carted around to various kitchens and such. 

This wagon has been our loyal friend. It never gets tired of being used.

There was a lot of this...

And this...

And yes, this too...

Bean is showing us how she can whistle with a blade of grass...

something her Papa taught her to do.

I love the next series of shots. It was a conversation captured between these two. 

I loved their expressions and they way they were with each other.

There was some serious dialogue going on, but again, I was not privy to it.

Heading back home with the wagon...

(Sigh) I am looking out my window now and it's dreary. Dreary. It's actually quite frigid out there too. It's supposed to rain again off and on this week--the winter sunshine just a memory.

At least Bean will have her boots and the girls their sweet friendship.

A little Hallelujah for the sun!

For a few hours today the clouds broke and a pocket of blue sky floated over our heads. It was wide enough to let the sun's rays rain down on us and our water-logged town. Shortly after the kids came home from school and I would not even let them inside. NO way! Go on and soak up the sun while you can!  So they scurried off to the field across the street to play "house".

Of course I was on their heels with my camera in hand and took so many pictures my fingers were so snap happy. Upon coming back inside I uploaded a gazillion pictures and grabbed the first two that caught my eye. 

The top one looked very contemplative and I felt it needed some editing to reflect that. I have no idea what she was thinking about, but gosh darn, she is beautiful. Below, if you look carefully, you can see that Bean's BFF is caught in my shadow (a nifty little trick I often employ when out shooting in full sun) smiling because she is technically in the "bathroom" that she and Bean built. It's connected to the "kitchen", which is off the main "hallway" of the "house" that these two mapped out in the field grass. 

I will share more of these two and their sunshine play later. As I type, the clouds have once again enveloped the blue sky and have continued their dump of rain. Zach just came in and promptly confessed to riding his bike through the mud--in his new shirt. Seriously? Okay. Deep breath...

The thing about the rain...

...is that it leaves the ground soggy and ripe for guys like these. You should see the carpet of them in the park across the street. I walked over during a break in the rain, camera in hand, praying for something at which to point my camera. I spotted a million little golden mushrooms poking up out of the grass and was about to walk toward them, when out of the corner of my eye I saw, what I first believed, was a stray piece of litter, or a lost softball, resting on one of the sloping hills. As I drew closer to it I realized it was a ginormous mushroom the size of my hand, standing alone...though a foot away a neighbor was beginning to push up from the soil in a very alien-like manner that left me with the creeps.
I know this picture does not accurately portray the reality of how huge he was. It was hard to give it context standing alone in the bland green grass against the backdrop of a bleh grey sky. I had to shoot from the hip from this one as I could not very well prostrate myself on the wet grass. (Totally came unprepared for finding a massive mushroom on the wet lawn.) I took a million pictures trying to get a good angle. And, once again, I was wishing for a macro lens.
I came home and tried to make it "more interesting." So there you go.

The thing about the rain, is that it pushes me to use my creative eye a bit. Maybe that ain't such a bad thing...


p.s. Oh, and you should have seen the little black slug munching away at the base of the mushroom--all sheltered from the drizzle and wind underneath his very own spiffy umbrella. Again, if I had that macro lens I would have gotten that shot for you. But alas, you'll have to use your own creative eye for that one.

safe inside

Today was another crazy California stormy day...we actually had a tornado alert. What?!?! It was enough for great Grandpa to call me and make sure we were okay. Because, you know, the Bay Area just doesn't get this much excitement! (I did not witness a tornado, or even a funnel cloud, just lots of lightening and thunder that followed.)

My son and I brought home some new "friends" yesterday afternoon. They now reside on my upstairs hallway counter, which sits below two large windows, so the light (I hope) is perfect for them. Though we shall see...my history with indoor living things is not good. My son was excited, however, to care for them as he loves plants.  (Grammy, aren't you proud?)

So today as the weather outside stirred and ravaged the landscape, our little friends sat serenely in their window and watched it all.  And I was glad to be inside with them.

When life hands you a mud puddle...

...you turn it into a Monet.

At least this was my philosophy today.

The Bay Area is, at this moment, being slammed with rain, thunder, and lightening. All usually very exciting, but not really for a cooped up photographer who thrives on outdoor natural light when using her camera. There was a brief break in the clouds so I stepped out onto my back doorstep to catch some rays and point my camera at something. The mud puddle at my feet was my only option people--I was not about to venture out further in my slippers. So I aimed my camera somewhere over the puddle and clicked a few off and then stepped back inside as the rain drops returned. What to do with a picture of an exciting mud puddle?

Tweak it into my own Monet.

Perhaps one day it will sell at an auction house for millions?

quite a collection

A couple of years ago my hubby came back from a trip to his parent's house carrying his dad's matchbook collection that had been stuffed into a very large shoe box. At first I was irked that we would now be the keepers and storers of this random collection as I am not a "keeper" type of person. (I toss frequently.)

But upon opening the box we found ourselves stepping back in time to an era that we only saw in faded photographs and Super 8 film strips. The collection spanned over 50 years and each little book held a story--stories we would never learn of, but could only imagine. 

This picture only holds a few dozen matchbooks. The box contains several hundred. 

So today I finally pulled them out and poured them into some glass containers to serve as book ends on our new book shelf. (One day I'd like to line them all up side by side and frame them in a large piece to hang on my wall.)

When I scan the many names of places my father-in-law has visited over the last 60 years I smile at how accurately they reflect who he is and was:

• obviously a smoker...during a generation when smoking was just the social thing you did and everyone thought it profitable to spend a little money on matchbook advertising.
• a lover of a good porterhouse steak served up in a bustling food joint where the service was excellent and the waitress automatically brought you a strong cup of coffee.
• a frequent visitor to Nevada...to the south side of Lake Tahoe and also to Reno...where the Nugget and Harrahs welcomed folk to cheap rooms, all night gambling, and endless food buffets. (Where you could stuff a roll of quarters into your kid's hands and leave them at the basement arcade--and not even worry once of the possibilities that they might not be there when you got back.)

A little bit of surprise--but maybe not--was the matchbook from Bustles and Beaus Sumptuous Saloon. (Not pictured was the one from the Playboy Club.) Hmmm...

As I comb through the hundreds of places he has been (places that are no longer standing) I think back to an era that is long gone yet somehow still lives on in my father-in-law. (If you knew him, you'd definitely agree with me.) I know if he could, he would eagerly go back to a time where middle class Americans stopped at Pop's Oasis Motel for a good meal, clean bed, and the kids could swim in the shallow pool without an ounce of sun screen on. A time when you remembered the steak you had at the Famous Pioneer Club, or the poker hand you won at the Rainbow Club. A time when you met your friends every weekend at the local food joint, smoked a cigarette together, offered a match to a stranger. A time when family and friends got a long just fine without cell phones and Twitter, Facebook and My Space.

I am glad I did not toss the matchbook collection. The nostalgia I feel when I look at them is enough to make me want to go back in time...for a little while...until I had enough of choking on the cigarette smoke. :) 

A little back yard fun

I have no idea how they wound up out in our pathetic back yard, but they did. Kids have this crazy way of taking rotten lemons (seriously, there were rotting lemons out there) and grass, empty milk jugs (left out there for airsoft gun targets) and turning it all into some fun game. They "picked" their food. Found some play pots and pans and decided to play "kitchen". Now I am wondering how I can translate that excitement for washing dishes into real life.

Bean discovered she could make some bubbles with my very nice and expensive (but totally worth it) dish soap. (Totally choked when I saw her outside with it but swallowed it down when I saw the fun she was having.)

Here's G attempting to make her own bubbles...

Oh, and here's the outtakes from her "thank you for smiling" moment. (See yesterday's post)

And then I couldn't leave you without showing you my son, in all his creative engineering glory. He saw my new floor steamer box and asked if he could use it to make a mask. Of course.
Please note the eye holes. After this shot he added a hole above the eyes that held a flash light to illuminate his path. AND he rigged his iPod and earphones up inside too. This. Kid. Is. Awesome.

When I look at these pictures it makes me want to be a kid again. When was the last time you played like this?!?!